


amorevolous

by kiramreid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Cheesy, Coffee, Coffee Shops, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Male Character, Getting Back Together, LGBTQ Themes, Letters, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Morning Kisses, Pre-Canon, Self-Indulgent, Sex, Sleepovers, Sleepy Kisses, Stars, Strangers to Friends, Strangers to Lovers, Symbolism, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, Virginity, gay reader, lovers to strangers, single parent, slight found family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:55:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiramreid/pseuds/kiramreid
Summary: 2002 was where it started. Y/n meets a boy. It then leads to a day of more wonder and magic than they ever thought possible.First love doesn't last. At least, that's what Y/n and Spencer thought.Too bad fate has other plans. Ones that will bring them back together almost two decades after they fell apart.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Luke Alvez/Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid/Male Reader, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 28
Kudos: 34





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> maybe I wrote this in three days, or maybe I'm mentally stable.
> 
> (hint: it's the first one)
> 
> (this was lowkey wrote with my name instead of y/n and then changed right before posting... oops)

Icarus was a smart man. See, Y/n would also gladly burn or fall if it meant that he would be closer to the sun.

Or rather, the hazel-eyed (or was it a mix of hazel and amber), fluffy-haired boy that he thought was kin to the star resting at the center of the solar system. In a way it was almost poetic, seeing as he found himself constantly pulled towards the freakishly tall genius. Word spread fast at Cal-tech, everyone knew of the Doctor who was said to be one of the smartest people in the school-- perhaps even the state.

Sometimes Y/n would see Doctor Spencer Reid browsing and flipping through titles in the library and subconsciously watch him. Not in a creepy way, he wasn’t trying to be a perv… If he noticed that the Good Doctor had a nice ass, then sue him!! Y/n was merely one poor gay man, who maybe grew a helpless crush on someone who could never feel the same. After all, it wasn’t hard to memorize the statistics of men who liked men, or at least make a guesstimate. Besides, Spencer seemed more interested in books than people. So, even if he wasn’t straight there was a zero percent chance he would fall for _Y/n_ of all people. 

The only way they would ever talk to each other would be by a miracle or a pair of waxwings and hope.

The following week Y/n learns that waxwings are shaped like a failed quiz. It was just a pop quiz, but the quiz held answers that would be relevant on an important test. Meaning that the only way to pass Psychology would be to get a tutor. It’s a good thing that the library had free tutor sign-ups. The only bad thing was that the tutor he was assigned happened to be Spencer Reid himself. 

Out of nervousness, Y/n arrives fifteen minutes early. Popping the earbuds of their mp3 player in. Only two and a half songs passed before the other boy sat down across from him. Y/n pauses his music, though he was surprised at how early they both were.

“I-” they both start at the same time. 

“You go first,” Spencer says with a small and quick smile. 

“I’m sorry for being so early; If I’m not at least ten minutes ahead then I lose track of time and before I know it I’m thirty minutes late.” Y/n shakes his head with a small laugh, sticking out his hand across the short library table. “My name is Y/n L/n.”

Y/n noticed that Spencer wasn’t reaching to return the offer of a handshake and pulled his hand back, and an embarrassed flush grew over his cheeks. “Sorry!” the other boy said quickly, pushing up his glasses, “Handshakes trade too many pathogens. It’s much safer to kiss.”

The hazel-eyed boy relaxed a bit with a breath out, “I’m Spencer Reid.”

“I know!” Y/n says, a bit too quick then what should've been normal. “Shit. I sound like a weirdo. It’s just… You’re kinda famous.”

Spencer laughs, and Y/n’s heart palpitations. The dimples that form on his cheek, the way his eyes are so much prettier up close, and the fact that his voice is so pretty all feel like too much to handle.

“Okay. You’re having trouble with Psychology, right, Y/n?” he nodded, unsure of how his voice might sound if he spoke. Fuck, even the way he said his name was hot. 

Spencer grabs the purple notebook labeled “Psych” before Y/n can stop him. He flips through the first pages, confusion falls over his face. He continues to look through the pages and Y/n almost dies as he nears the middle of the pages.

“Can you stop flipping, for just a minute?” Spencer looked back up. “The next couple of pages has something personal written on them.”

Spencer nods, sliding the notebook over to Y/n without taking so much as a peak. Relief floods through Y/n and he smiles, waiting for Spencer to deliver the bad news that he knows is coming.

“Why don’t you have any notes? Your art is amazing, but you’re never going to pass if all you do in class is do drawings without any note-taking.” Woah, Spencer thought his art was _amazing?_

A bit of shame floods him and he looks toward his lap. He messes with his fingers, “I was never taught how to take notes. In school, I was one of the honors kids. They don’t teach how to study in those classes; they taught that we would pass every test without any work.”

Y/n shakes his head and laughs bitterly to himself. “I’d understand if you don’t want to tutor me. I’m hopeless, anyway.”

A hand is placed tentatively on his arm, “Hey,” Spencer says while frowning, “You’re not hopeless, I promise. If I have to, I'll teach you how to take notes, good study habits. If you need, you can have my old notes, I could even help you study for other classes.”

Looking up, Y/n smiles, “You mean it?”

A breath of air falls from Spencer's lips. Y/n believes that he’d follow this man to the ends of the earth. “I won’t fail you as they did. I promise.”

He’s sincere. Possibly the most sincere person Y/n has ever met, Spencer Reid is most definitely the sun. If only he knew how strong his gravitational force was.

* * *

Studying with Spencer feels like the equivalent of finding a meteorite; Special, something you might only experience once in a lifetime.

The little corner of Cal-Tech’s library became a bit like a spot for the two of them. Y/n learned how to take notes, including how to read Spencer’s genius scrawl and shorthand. Spencer relaxed a bit more. Y/n was able to see his pretty smile more often, and about half of their conversation detailed Spencer rambling about any subject while Y/n took mini-tests that Spencer created on whatever the lesson was. Pretty soon, Y/n would be learning more during tutoring than in lectures. The only downside was that it meant they wouldn’t need to meet each other every three days for a session. Also, Y/n was falling hard and fast.

His feet tapped against the floor of the library, quiet enough to not disturb anyone as Spencer graded another one of his little tests. 

“Congratulations,” Spencer said, setting down the paper in front of Y/n. “You got a ninety-nine. I took a point for not including the date and your last name.”

“Yes!” Y/n exclaimed, only to be met with harsh shushes from other people in the library. A chuckle bubbled from Spencer’s lips. “You’re a good teacher. You’d be great as one if you have no career plan! God, I could kiss you right now, you’re so great. Can I hug you? I want to hug you.”

Y/n knew Doctor Germaphobe Spencer Reid wouldn’t say yes. Though, Y/n has been wrong before.

Now is one of those times. Spencer’s arms are wrapped around him in one second and then gone in the next, Y/n barely catches the smell of coffee, fresh linen, and something undeniably Spencer buried underneath. The joy he felt is diminished by what Spencer say’s next.

“Um. Since you’re set to pass your exams, you don’t need me to tutor you anymore.” Spencer slides his books into his satchel, straightening his glasses from where they had slipped down his nose. Y/n is probably imagining the fact that Spencer seems almost as dejected as he does.

Y/n is about to leave when Spencer continues, “But! I thought, since we both are in the same Psychology class we could study together? It’s okay if you don’t want to, I’d understand, I just…” 

A grin stretches on Y/n’s face as the clouds clear from his sky, revealing the sun once more. “I’d lo- enjoy that.” Y/n debates on asking the question that he felt on the tip of his tongue, before deciding to release it. “You’re good at chess, right?”

Spencer looked at him, “Yes, I am. It’d be a waste if I was smart and couldn’t learn chess strategies.”

Y/n smiled. It was just like Spencer to boast about his intelligence. He wasn’t cocky, or arrogant, mostly just proud of his accomplishments. And rightfully so. The twenty-year-old had done more in two years than you’d done in half of your life. 

“How would you feel about teaching me? I got a chess set from my Mom, but she couldn’t teach me.” He hoped Spencer wouldn’t ask about why his Mom couldn’t teach him. It’d be a shame to have to explain he was gay and that his parents disowned him. That’d probably make Spencer realize how much of a stupid crush Y/n had, which would only end in heartbreak.

“That’d be great! I could come over to yours tomorrow, say, three? We could do some studying and then I can teach you some basic chess.” Y/n’s heart stuttered and then beat faster as he agreed and then relayed his dorm number.

Tomorrow. The word rested like honey on his lips while he walked to his dorm. Y/n happened to be one of the people lucky enough to get a single, which gave him privacy and salvation from having to sleep in the same room-- get _dressed_ in the same room as a guy. High School gym class had already been bad enough.

Only when he flopped on his bed with a sigh did it hit him. Spencer Reid was going to be in his dorm. In his _room,_ sit on his _bed._

Relaxation was the last thing on his mind as he cleaned his room. Everything that might have seemed weird to a straight guy was put in his closet-- _ironic--_ and his bed was made, as was his trash thrown away.

Then it was 6 pm and time for dinner. Y/n dug in his closet to pull out a pot, a bowl, a jug of water, and Kraft mac and cheese. His milk was in his minifridge. Quickly he set up his contraband single burner. Once his food was all finished and fed he collapsed on his bed, getting ready for his nap before his alarm alerted him to go take a shower to be on time for work.

His work wasn’t glamorous, but the quaint and sweet book shop and cafe located a fifteen-minute walk from the dormitory was perfect. Y/n was paid enough to support what his scholarship didn’t and also only worked from eight-fifteen pm to four-forty-five am during the four weekdays he worked. On Sunday he only worked six hours when needed.

Y/n’s dreams were filled with the imagery of flying, falling, and melting without caring; he had finally been on a level with the sun.

* * *

The next day came both too fast and too slow. Y/n found himself constantly worried about things that Spencer might nitpick, even if he didn’t show any complaints outwardly. He also changed his outfit twice to figure out exactly what he should wear. Y/n decided on a graphic tee, jeans, and fuzzy socks.

At three o’clock on the dot, Y/n heard a knock at his door. He tried to contain his excitement as he opened the door. Spencer, as always, was dressed perfectly. Khaki pants paired nicely with a baby blue button-up and cream cardigan. Slung across his shoulders was his satchel.

“Hey, Spencer! Come on in.” Spencer walked in and around Y/n, freezing in the middle of the dorm and looking to the other for guidance. “If you want, you can put your shoes on the little rack right there. Also, I set chess up at the little table, but I thought we could just study on my bed: It’s comfier.”

“Alright,” Spencer smiled, unlacing his beat-up converse, “I brought snacks. I didn’t know what you liked, so I kinda grabbed at random.”

After sliding his shoes onto the makeshift rack, Spencer reaches into his satchel and pulls out a pack of juice pouches and a bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels. Y/n laughs, “You got juice and pretzels?”

Immediately he can see that he made a mistake, especially with the way Spencer’s walls suddenly slam down as he prepares to be made fun of. “Oh no, Pretty, no. I love juice and chocolate covered pretzels. Plus dark chocolate just so happens to be my favorite.”

Spencer relaxes a bit but his guard doesn’t drop, even as he sits on Y/n’’s bed. “Why did you call me ‘Pretty’.” 

It’s then that Y/n realizes he’s fucked up, and he’s fucked up _bad,_ “You’re gonna think I’m a weirdo, but I called you pretty because you just _are.”_

Spencer doesn’t note on the not heterosexual implications of his words, and to that Y/n is ever grateful for. “I thought pretty is something you only called girls.” Spencer’s brow’s furrow as he pulls out his notebooks. Y/n resists the urge to press a finger against the tension.

A bitter laugh escapes his throat, “I don’t think so. If that were true then you wouldn’t be prettier than any girl I’ve ever seen.”

Y/n’s eyes meet amber and before he can slap himself, Spencer’s lips are just an inch away and he’s begging himself to take the leap while simultaneously screaming at himself that a straight guy didn’t deserve to be his first kiss. Spencer breaks away and the trance is lifted.

“We should go over the last lecture material and quickly skim over the general notes, yeah?” Y/n agreed. Opening the bag to pop a pretzel in his mouth, mostly out of boredom rather than hunger. In this light Spencer’s eyes are inviting and he can’t risk taking a dive. Perhaps once he finally burns and falls might he succumb to the ocean.

A pause on psychology was put into rest about thirty minutes into the review. The studying had consisted of them both asking each other relevant questions to both remember and focus on the topic.

“Did you know that chocolate sends out the same emotional and hormonal response as love?” Spencer said, taking a sip from a juice pouch and swinging his legs, multicolored and mismatched socks sticking out like a sore thumb. 

“No, I didn’t.” Y/n had another thought he could add, “ _So you’re saying right now, with you, I feel like I’m in love?”_ but he doesn’t, in the protection of his poor little heart.

“Mhm,” Spencer hums, falling back on Y/n’s bed. “The same reaction is found in pea’s.”

Y/n thinks about it for a moment. He thinks about emotions and how they could be influenced by many things. Food, sex, and drugs were all examples he could use. Y/n fell beside Spencer, taking careful note of the mere centimeters of space between their fingers tips.

“So emotions, they’re all fake. Happiness so that we don’t kill ourselves instead of procreating, love so that we feel motivated to procreate, a lust so that we have the desire to procreate. They’re all chemicals. Huh. Does that mean that sadness doesn’t exist?” Y/n looks over at Spencer to see that he’s already looking back at him. 

“What do you mean?” Spencer asks, moving ever so slightly closer. His mint breath washed slightly over Y/n’s face and their touching pinkies sang an electric spark through Y/n that wasn’t from static electricity. Already his thoughts seemed to blur.

“Well, if chemicals are there to create emotions, and none of the chemicals create a ‘bad’ emotion, then it doesn’t exist. It’s like coldness, it’s not that cold exists it’s just the absence of heat; of motion. Sadness isn’t emotion like the rest; it’s just the absence of chemicals.”

Spencer seems puzzled and Y/n is only a bit happy that he’s outsmarted him for once. “That means that sadness is the only true feeling. It’s probably way more complicated than that but, that’s what I’m getting at, I guess.”

“I suppose it makes sense. Though it’s a bit too philosophical for my taste. I’ve never enjoyed philosophy, but I don’t mind if it’s with you.”

Y/n’s heart soars before he can wrench it back, but his wings are ready and he’s flying high. Nothing is melting, yet. Y/n sits up quickly, not noticing that in his hand is Spencer’s.

“Hey, would you be mad if I said I had an idea of what we could do instead of chess?”

Spencer laughed, sitting up, his hand weaving perfectly with Y/n’s. “You got me to enjoy something borderline philosophical, you could do anything at this point.”

Y/n raised his eyebrow, not caring about the warmth that spread from his hand down to the tips of his toes and top of his head, “Anything?”

Spencer’s face was akin grimace and Y/n used his free hand to ruffle his hair without thinking before pushing up his glasses. That was so not platonic.

“I’m a bit scared, but I’m a man of my word.”

* * *

“Why did I agree to this, you’re gonna kill me.” Spencer groaned, his feet slid out from under him and his hands continued to violently grip at your forearms.

“C’mon, roller skating isn’t _that_ hard. You got those long legs, yeah?” Spencer nodded, his hair bouncing a bit from the motion. “Then use them! Act like you’re walking, okay?”

“I feel like I’m gonna fall flat on my face.”

Y/n maneuvers Spencer so that they’re both facing the same direction. Y/n’s glide is gentle and practiced, while Spencer is a bit wobbly. For this being his first-time roller skating, he’s doing pretty well. When his path smooths out and Y/n is sure he can direct himself on his own, Y/n lets go.

Y/n zooms in front of Spencer, turning around and skating backward. “How’re you doing?” 

Spencer slips a bit, but instead of steadying him like Y/n wanted to he instead let him be. Luckily the two weren’t the only ones skating. It was a Saturday, which attracted couples, friend groups, and families. 

“I’m doing pretty well,” he smiles like a beam of sunshine, warmly shining down on Y/n.

They skate for two more hours. Falling into each other and bumping other people. At one point, Spencer practically ends up in Y/n’s arms. Y/n had a lasting flush after that. When a song meant for couples came on, the two made their way out of the rink. 

The clock in the corner of the place they were in said it was nearing six-thirty. “Shit. It’s getting late. The cafe next door is open. Wanna grab something?”

Spencer nods. Y/n realized that he wasn’t even mildly-athletic and needed to catch his breath. 

Once they had both traded out their skates for shoes did they walk outside and open the door on the warm cafe. The familiar site of the nine tables, two bookshelves, and owner: Ms.Yellow, comforted him. 

“Ah, Y/n!” The thirty-three year old brunette said, “You’re off today, why are you eating here of all places!”

Y/n laughed, nodding for Spencer to follow him up to the counter. “As if I could leave my favorite boss for that long! Plus, it’s close. Also, I have the employee discount.” 

The silence lightly hung in the air as Y/n looked over at Spencer, waiting for him to say what he wanted. The silence grew only a bit awkward as Spencer didn’t say anything.

“Oh.” Spencer said at last, “I don’t know what’s good.” Y/n felt his heart skip a beat as Spencer’s slightly green-tinted brown eyes looked towards him. 

Y/n gulped, “I’ll order for you then.” Looking back at Ms.Yellow, Y/n continued, “Two wraps and two coffee’s. Cream and extra-extra sugar.”

Ms.Yellow smiled, clicking the order into the register. “That’ll be eleven dollars and twenty-three cents.”

“You calculated that wrong.” Spencer said, his brows furrowed. “It’s ten twenty-three with discount and without the extra-extra sugar, which is twenty-five cents per coffee with or without employee status. The correct total would be ten dollars and seventy-three cents.”

Y/n saw the moment embarrassment hit Spencer. The previously smug smile from catching Ms. Yellow’s error faded into a red blush and brows that practically touched from how furrowed they were. Confusion flooded his face at Ms.Yellow’s loud laugh that rang through the quiet store.

“Mom!” Y/n hissed out, a bewildered look on his face. “You didn’t have to say a total! Also, the next time you do, _don’t just make it up!”_

Y/n’s hand fell on Spencer’s shoulder. “Y-your mom?”

A glare was quickly sent over to Ms.Yellow as Y/n guided Spencer to his favorite booth. “Adoptive mom,” he corrected, “I was her foster kid. Then she gave me the adoption paperwork the day before my eighteenth birthday. I help out here so that the money she gives me for my dorm and shit doesn’t feel like a handout.”

“Y/n!” His mom said, tapping him lightly over the back of the head. “You know better than to cuss at the store!”

Spencer smiled at Y/n, and the soft love-tap became something that he couldn’t focus on if he tried. He mumbled an apology to his mom.

“I like that boy. I think you like him too.” Ms.Yellow whisper’s into Y/n’s ear. She giggles before speaking louder, “Dove is working on your panini wraps, they should be out in a few with ‘em.”

“Dove?” Spencer questions, he takes a sip of the coffee his mom set infront of him. The letters on the bottom of the cup spell out ‘ _For Y/n’s Crush’,_ it was a stupid mug his mom had for when he _finaly_ brought around a boy. Y/n hopes Spencer doesn’t notice.

“Dove is my biological sibling, they’re twenty-four, a nuisance, and love to cook.”

“You sound like you have a nice family,” Spencer says, Y/n can tell there’s a slight bitter edge to it. But believe it to be out of slight jealousy, which twists like a knife in his gut. How stupid might Spencer’s family be to not love him the way he deserves.

Y/n doesn’t know how to convey that into words, so instead he says, “Yeah. They’re both a bit overbearing sometimes, but I love them.”

The soft sound of two plates being set down cuts off Spencer trying to speak. Suddenly, Y/n wishes that he could stab Dove, who conveniently had to walk out right as Spencer was about to talk. Luckily they quickly leave, cropped hair slightly bouncing at the pep in their step.

Y/n takes a bite of the wrap just as Spencer starts to talk. “I can see the overbearing part-- Ms.Yellow has been glancing at us enough that it’s borderline creepy.”

Dropping his head into his hands Y/n sighed, “She’s like that. Every time I have a..” Y/n pauses, searching for the right words, “A friend, she just about goes into cardiac arrest.”

Spencer laughs with him, the smile not diminishing when he says the saddest thing Y/n’s ever heard: “I could not even begin to know what that's like. You’re my only kind of friend.”

He takes a sip of his coffee, like he hadn’t just stated that Y/n, _Y/n L/n,_ was his only friend.

“I feel bad for you,” he says self-deprecatingly, wincing as Spencer’s shoulders sag a bit. The tip of his index finger pushes up Spencer’s glasses. “Your only friend is a weirdo and has definitely never read a single bit of classical literature.”

He hums, a lone finger trailing along his lip. Y/n has to break his trance away from Spencer’s lips when he talks. “The well-worn _Pride and Prejudice_ on your nightstand tells a different story.”

He fakes a shocked and angry gasp, secretly admiring the smirk adon Spencer’s face. Without his knowledge Y/n leans on the palm of his hand, till their faces aren’t too far apart. 

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” Y/n replied, his voice wavered as he leaned just a bit more forward, eyelashes fluttering. 

“My beauty you had early withstood, and as for my manners -- my behaviour to you was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and I never spoke to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not. Now be sincere; did you admire me for my impertinence?'' Spencer grew closer replied, Y/n was barely able to remember what went next.

"For the liveliness of your mind, I did.” he closed his eyes. Then Y/n flinched as Spencer pulled away. Spencer’s Adam's apple bobbed and he continued to eat. Y/n tried the same, but found his mind to be far too frazzled.

Did Icarus have to crash? Or could his Apollo save him? 

Could Spencer ever see Y/n the way Y/n saw him?

He was interrupted from his internal monologue by Spencer. “I never thought I’d be able to drink coffee in a way where it wasn’t so bitter.” The smile that graces him is enough to make a lesser man die. Luckily, Y/n is only a bit better than a lesser man, so he only dies internally. “I think instead of suffering through it for the caffeine I’ll start taking it like this. Thank you, for enlightening me.”

Holy shit, Y/n was whipped. Had anyone else said “ _Thank you, for enlightening me.”_ he would've taken it for sarcasm. However Spencer, sweet, kind, and lovable Spencer was genuine. It was a breath of fresh air from the sarcastic liars that Y/n found himself hanging out with. 

To keep himself from screaming how perfect the man in front of him was, Y/n took a bite of food. He swallowed before saying the first thing that came to mind. “So… January, huh?”

Jesus he was an idiot. Y/n had said that the way a weirdo would talk about the weather. Spencer raised a confused eyebrow.

“Everyone knows that ‘ _April is the cruelest month’_ but January definitely takes the cake as the second cruelest.”

Spencer Purses his lips, running a hand through his hair. “Explain.”

Y/n didn’t know how too; January was a month of (in order) being called a slur for the first time, almost falling English class, dead parents, and learning how it felt to truly be alone.

“The cold.” He says instead. “It’s not cold because it’s California, but it's not _warm_ enough to be in just pants and a shirt.”

He can tell that Spencer knows he’s lying, but he doesn’t push. “If you think so, then I do too.”

* * *

They left the cafe shortly after. It was nearing almost eight. Their food had long been cold and instead of caring, they both talked. Before they left, Ms.Honey grabbed Y/n and said, “ _I like that one, real sweet and will be nice to you. Snatch him up before someone else does. A catch like that won’t last long. He likes you too.”_

Y/n spent half of the walk worrying about how his mom thought Spencer liked him back. On one hand, she had never been wrong before, but on the other, Spencer was definitely straight.

“The night sky would be prettier without light pollution. It makes it hard to see the stars.”

Humming, Y/n replied, “My favorite part of the sky are the constellations. I don’t know any, but I think they’re pretty.”

Spencer stopped them. Turning in the middle of the sidewalk to look at Y/n, “Give me your hand.

Y/n obliges and the feel of his hand is Spencer’s is the best thing he’ll ever know. It’s soft- almost eerily soft- and cold, but comforting and his hand feels _kind,_ if it’s even possible. 

“You have to come closer, here.” Spencer lets go of Y/n’s hand and turns him around, pulling the shocked boy so that his back is practically pressed against Spencer’s chest. When he speaks, it’s right beside his ear. His voice is quieter, and lower, which makes Y/n shiver from something more than the small breeze.

Spencer uses his hand to guide Y/n’s, mapping out Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, and Canes Venatici, before pausing, their hands entwine in a different way as they sink beside them. An emotion that Y/n can’t describe passes over him, and he’s sure the same happens for Spencer. Why else would his head fall and his forehead press itself against Y/n’s shoulder? 

“Are you okay?” Y/n asks, his voice naught more of a whisper. Any louder and the peace is broken like china.

“Mhm,” Spencer breathes into the crook of his neck, Y/n can feel him swallow behind him. “I just-- I need a minute.”

Y/n understands and makes no move to change the way they are. The only change comes from Spencer as his free hand moves to hold Y/n’s free hand in his. For all he could know, they were there for hours; days; weeks; months; years; decades; centuries; a millennium; an epoch.

When Spencer took in a breath that was more ragged than the rest and moved so that one pair of hands was again facing the sky did part of the trance break. The part that wasn’t broke continued to live on inside of Y/n. “Cassiopeia, Cephus, Cygnus, Aquila, Sagittarius, Scorpius, Libra…”

He continued on, one hand tracing out the shapes while the other drew them in patterns on Y/n’s skin. When he started to point out famous stars in the sky he drew random shapes. Y/n swore that for a moment he felt the small tracing of a heart.

Once they had run out of stars and started walking did everything sink into Y/n. Maybe, just maybe he had a chance.

“Um, Y/n? My apartment is right here.”

“Spencer,” he breathes with a laugh. “Did we just stand outside of your apartment complex for forty-five minutes?”

He winced, “Yeah…”

“You’re a dork.”

“Do you wanna come in?” Spencer asked, fidgeting with his fingers, “I have some Star Trek on tape, a television, and stove-top popcorn.”

“Plus,” he continued, “my um, roommate is at his boyfriend's house.”

The last part was mumbled but Y/n caught it, smiling. “I’d love to! Just one problem…”

Y/n sees Spencer brace for the bad news, something along the lines of ‘ _I don’t feel comfortable staying in the place a gay guy lives’,_ it wont come, though. 

“I’ve never seen Star Trek.”

Spencer visibly relaxes, unlocking the door and ushering Y/n in. “That’s fine! I have the first season. I don’t make a grocery list because I have no need for one, usually, so I forget about getting the other seasons.”

As they walk in, past the kitchen and into the living room, Y/n immediately can tell that all of the little bit of furnishing they have is from Spencer’s roommate. It wouldn’t be like Spencer to have a bright red couch.

“The television is in Ethan’s room, I’ll roll it to mine. You go get comfortable. I should have a handle on making popcorn.” Spencer smiles kindly, “It’s the one by the end of the living room.”

Y/n does as told, as always when it comes to Spencer, and sits on his bed. It’s soft and smells good, he wonders mindlessly which side Spencer sleeps on while taking off his shoes and setting them by the few pairs of thread-bare converse.

Ten minutes later Y/n is spread out like a starfish while reading a book he picked off of Spencer's bookcase and Spencer is pushing in the t.v, it’s on a rolling stand and then gets plugged into the wall on the opposite of his bed.

“Sorry!” Y/n squeaks, snapping the book shut and sitting up. “You said to get comfortable, but I think I got too comfortable. My bad, I have a hard time understanding boundaries but--”

“It's okay!” he interrupts. He sits down by Y/n. “The Illustrated Man is a good book, I’m fine with you reading it. In fact, as long as you promise to return them, you can borrow from my little library. It’s not much, but I've spent years collecting.”

A deep breath in allows Y/n to reply. “Thank you, you didn’t have to console me. You’re very kind.”

He just smiles, popping out of the room and returning with a Star Trek and a bowl of popcorn. “Sorry it took so long to get the television. I’m not exactly athletic.”

“Flex for me, I’m sure you’re plenty strong.” At some point he had exchanged his button up for a graphic-tee, so when he flexed it showed all of his arm. Y/n’s fingertips grazed against the slight muscle, it wasn’t much, but it was _Spencer_. “Just like I thought: you’re strong.”

“Now,” Y/n said with a clap.”It’s time for the show!”

They both laughed as Spencer had trouble with putting in the tape until it finally worked and Star Trek started to play.

Surprisingly, it was more interesting than Y/n had thought. Though the episodes were long, and there were some things he couldn’t understand, it was overall an enjoyable show. They got through four episodes before Y/n felt himself falling asleep out of pure exhaustion- a lot had happened in the day. Spencer politely shook him awake.

“Err. It’s getting late. You probably shouldn’t walk home, from 2000-2001 the arrest rate rose by 2.6%, it’s been increasing like that since 1995, so it’ll likely be larger this year. More arrests mean that there’s more crime, and not all crimes are reported or end with an arrest, so-”

“Spencer.” Y/n said, cutting off his rambling. “You could’ve just asked me if I wanted to have a sleepover.” Spencer opened his mouth but Y/n continued before he could speak, “Yes, you incredibly dumb genius, I’ll sleep here. After all, I don’t think it’d be good if I got mugged or something.”

A smile lit up Spencer’s face. “I’ll grab you some clothes. The bathroom is closer to Ethan’s room, there should be a pack of new toothbrushes in the cabinet.”

The pants and shirt given to Y/n, upon inspection, were too big. Putting them on only proved that fact. The neck of the tee-shirt swooped down and showed off an awful amount of collarbone and the pants had to be cuffed. Thankfully, the waistline fit. If it hadn’t then Y/n was likely to end up with no pants on in the morning, he often kicked off his pants if they were loose during sleep. Brushing his teeth was easy, internally sing the ABC’s twice and then spit. 

When Y/n re-entered Spencer’s room it looked like he was panicking. His bed was messier than when Y/n had gotten up and Spencer’s hair was more tussled. His glasses were crooked and his fingers gripped the sides of his shirt. It was almost adorable.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, I was just-- I don’t wanna sleep on the couch, but you're a guest and it’d be rude to make _you_ sleep on the couch.” Spencer seems really stressed over a simple problem, does he not realize they could just sleep in the same bed or is he just not wanting to?

Y/n sits on the edge of Spencer’s bed and pats the space beside him. The hazel-eyed boy sits down. Their thighs are close enough to brush against each other’s at any movement. “We could share it. The bed, I mean.”

A look of shock and slight happiness is what Y/n believes falls onto Spencer’s face. It’s hard to tell, considering he looks away. The blush coating his cheeks was easy to see. “Okay. That works.”

Five minutes later they’re both under the covers. Spencer’s main light is off but the small lamp on his bedside table provides adequate light for the book Spencer is enraptured with. The way he flips through would be weird to anyone who didn’t know him. Though the finger guiding along the inside of the book seems to be a sham to create faux intelligence- Y/n knows it’s all real. 

After only ten minutes of Spencer reading he puts the book down. Y/n saw him slowly linger on the chapters more and more as he read. The book was set down halfway through.

Despite that he was already looking Spencer’s way, it startled him when suddenly their heads were as close as earlier, in the cafe. Y/n was overwhelmed by the want to be closer. Any signs of being tired faded from his body. Spencer’s arm reached and turned the light off, but that didn’t stop Y/n from burning in the face of the sun. “What’s on your mind, pretty?”

“You.” Spencer says unabashedly. They both draw closer together,pulled by an imaginary force that Y/n doesn’t bother fighting (if his brain had been able to say more than _“holy fuck”_ might have attributed to gravity from the ‘sun’). A soft smile graces Spencer’s lips, “What is on yours?”

The truth, Y/n thinks, is something he got and so it was only fair to give the other the same. “I was wondering when you might finally kiss me.”

Spencer’s eyes widen and Y/n recognises a passion in them before a hand is gently being placed upon his cheek and Spencer’s breath in on his lips.

“May I _please_ kiss you?” he asks, instead of answering, Y/n leans forward and crosses the distance. It’s only a inch even though it feels like miles. Instantly Y/n knows that he’s screwed. It’s only his first kiss and already he believes it will forever rank at number one, no matter how many people he kisses in the future. Spencer’s hand is gentle, his lips are chapped (something that Y/n likes more than he should), and he pushes back at Y/n with the perfect amount of force. 

The kiss is short. It only lasts three seconds at the most. “That was my first kiss.”

“Mine too.” Spencer replies, Y/n has half of the mind to almost say that he’s lying. Spencer wouldn't be the type to lie, though. Also, it’d be stupid to try to argue when Spencer’s lips are already on his again. 

It isn’t short this time. Y/n’s fingers lace into Spencer’s hair and pull him closer. Spencer traces Y/n’s lips with his tongue. Their mouths slot together and a cacophony of colors and fireworks explode behind closed eyelids. Y/n’s teeth chink against Spencer’s and Spencer bites down on Y/n’s lips a little too hard, but it’s perfect.

When they pull away for a breath, both having forgotten about the fact that they have noses, they still don’t _part._ Their foreheads pressed together, and their noses bumped.

Breathless, Y/n speaks up. He knows that Spencer probably already knows by now, but saying an answer to an unspoken question never hurt anyone. “I like you, pretty. Like, a lot.”

They smile at each other and though Spencer doesn’t need to respond he gives one anyway. “I like you too.” He gives Y/n a quick peck. “Will you go out with me? As in, be my boyfriend?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's nsfw in this chapter! if that bothers you skip from "Once Spencer realized..." to the next break and read on from there (it's not big to the plot) 
> 
> There's also under-aged drinking (spencer has some drinks on y/n's 21st) but that kinda is an important scene

Waking up the following morning was like pure bliss. Spencer’s fingers lightly brushed through Y/n’s hair. His head had ended up on Spencer’s chest sometime throughout the night.

Of course, Spencer wouldn’t dare wake up his boyfriend. The word sent such a thrill through him,  _ boyfriend.  _ The word was plain and a bit redundant. Y/n wasn’t just his friend, so what was the need? There was no other word. Lover seemed a bit too soon and partner made him sound like a cowboy (Spencer enjoyed the notion, being a cowboy always seemed like a dream to him. It was the ambiguity that threw him off. There was nothing wrong with the person he dated happening to be a boy, so there was no reason to hide it.) So, boyfriend it was. It all meant the same. Y/n was his and he was Y/n’s. That’s all that mattered.

While Y/n slept Spencer thought of many things: Coffee was better with almost too much sugar, what cologne Y/n used (the way he smelled was really nice), and what nickname he might call him. Honeybee, seemed like one Y/n might be fond of. Of course unless Spencer tried it he’d never know.

“Good morning,” he whispered as his boyfriend woke up.

Y/n groaned, burying his head farther into Spencer’s chest. Butterflies fluttered in Spencer’s chest at the contact. He was sure that Y/n could hear his heartbeat with how loud it rushed in his ears. “What time is it?”

Spencer pressed a kiss to Y/n’s hair, “Eight-thirty am. I think Ethan’s boyfriend is making breakfast. We can go steal some bacon?”

Y/n smiles up at him. Silently agreeing to go eat. 

As Spencer had predicted, Josh was cooking. Ethan was sitting on the counter next to Josh and looked up to see Y/n following behind Spencer. A smirk is sent Spencer’s way.

“Did our little Spencer finally have a fun night?” Ethan says, hopping down from the counte

Josh, being the sweetheart he was, smacked the back of Ethan’s head. “Leave them alone.” He looked back at the two of them, “You sweeties hungry? I made plenty.”

The smell of eggs, bacon, and maple sausage wafted over to Spencer and Y/n. Spencer’s about fifty percent sure that Y/n’s stomach was growling. Ethan continued to smirk at the two, his hand massaging out the sting.

“So this is the Infamous Y/n!” Josh sets some eggs and bacon on a styrofoam plate. “Me ‘n E thought you were a ghost!”

“Josh!” Spencer squeaked out. “Stop. Talking.”

Y/n just laughed. Spencer could see the blush rising in his ears, though. Spencer’s eyes meet his boyfriend’s. “You talked about me?”

He mumbles a ‘yeah’, waiting for Y/n to yell at him or call him a stalker or something. It would be out of character, but Spencer has been called worse by ‘better’ people. 

“That’s…” Y/n laughs and Spencer’s heart drops. “That’s kind of cute.”

“Well,” he continues, “It depends on how  _ long  _ you’ve been talking about me. If it’s been since before our first tutoring session, then I will not hesitate to smack you!”

Ethan bursts out laughing, handing a plate to both Spencer and Y/n. “You better run, Spencer.”

Spencer quickly set his plate down on the living room table before shutting the door to his room, Y/n hot on his trail. “How long?”

Spencer gulps, trying to avoid the question of ‘how long have you liked me without having ever talked to me’, of course Y/n wouldn’t remember that they had talked before. Spencer and Y/n had a small chat two years ago while they were both waiting to talk to the Dean. “What?”

“How long have you been talking about me, dummy.”

“Since October Fifteenth, the day you wore a neon-yellow windbreaker to a lecture.”

“I hate you, open the door.” Y/n laughs and Spencer opens the door, jumping as Y/n hugs him around the middle. “ _ I  _ started admiring  _ you  _ in September.”

“I may have a high I.Q. but deep down I’m an idiot, especially when it comes to romance. You’ll have to be patient with me.”

Y/n presses a quick peck to Spencer’s lips. “Of course. Let's go eat, I’m starving.”

The food was good and the conversation was generally pleasant. Spencer noticed that Y/n’s phone kept buzzing. A few minutes later Y/n was frowning. 

“I have to go, my friends planned a stupid outing and if I don’t then i’ll never be invited to anything ever again.”

While Spencer did want to spend longer with him, he knew that everyone needed some time with other people. Besides, they'll see each other on Wednesday for their study-date. Could it be called a study-date now? Or is it just regular studying? He ran through the options and decided that no, it would not be a date. Their first official date as a couple wouldn’t be so mundane. It would be at a restaurant and he would get Y/n flowers, or something. 

Y/n leaned on the wall outside the apartment. “I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Mhm. At the library, we need to actually study, this time.”

Y/n agreed and turned to leave with a wave. “Y/n-- Wait!” He turned back and Spencer’s finger’s pulled their faces together, lips briefly crashing together with the force of a punch and the tenderness of a butterfly. Y/n tried to pull Spencer closer when he pulled away. He couldn’t comply. If he kissed Y/n again then he thinks that he won’t be able to stop. Spencer stepped into the doorway with a sweet smile.

“I’ll see you,” and then Spencer closed his door.

* * *

Wednesday couldn’t have come faster. The days seemed to drag on, Spencer only getting to briefly see Y/n from across the lecture hall. As usual, they both were extra early. Something that wasn’t usual was their interlocked hands as they sat side-by-side. Spencer really liked how their hands fit together, not like a puzzle piece, more like when a book slots into an empty place in a bookshelves. He never would’ve thought that he had had a lack of holding hands in his life, but now that it could happen more often Spencer would never be able to go back. Like when a piece of furniture fits into a room despite not knowing there was a need for it.

Spencer could wax and wane poetic lines about it for hours, though he’d rather spend that time just holding Y/n’s hand. He also found himself growing more comfortable and confident around Y/n. Someone liked him for himself, there was no need for him to hide who he was. Of course he still got a bit embarrassed when going on long rants about things. Y/n never complained, though, instead he asked questions or asked Spencer to repeat things or slow down. 

“Spencer-- We’ve been studying for two hours, can we take a break?” Y/n asked as his cheek plopped onto the library desk. He seemed so tired and done with learning that Spencer couldn’t help but nod and okay. He perked up almost instantly.

“How have you been?” Spencer murmured, enjoying the quietness of the library atmosphere.

“I have been great. You see, I met this boy.” Y/n paused to pull Spencer’s arms around his shoulders. “He’s smart, kind, ridiculously pretty, and..”

Y/n moved so that their noses brushed, “... he’s a  _ great  _ kisser.” Spencer closed the distance to kiss him. Their noses smushed together a bit as the kiss deepened, but it didn’t sour the experience. 

Y/n whines into the kiss as Spencer experimentally tugs on his hair. Any thoughts Spencer might’ve been able to coherently create slipped away and dissipated as Y/n’s lips traveled down his throat and latched on a spot beside his adam’s apple. 

“You need to stop.” Spencer warned him and pulled him away. Y/n fake pouted.

“Give me a good reason.”

He sighed while fixing his glasses, “We’re in a  _ library,  _ also, you’re going to leave a mark.”

“What? Is the great Dr. Reid afraid of a hickey?”

Spencer scoffed, “No, I am not! It’s just… Ethan would say something.”

Y/n grimaced and brought up his notebook to hide himself. “Better change that ‘would’ to a ‘will’.”

“Y/n!” He hissed, “Did you really?” 

When he laughed, Spencer realized he wasn’t really mad. Sure, he was annoyed, but really, Ethan’s ‘teasing’ would really mostly be praise about how  _ “You’ve finally got someone, don’t be embarrassed!”  _ Still Spencer would be embarrassed, it was only natural.

The two continue to faux argue till a Librarian comes over and kicks them out, so Spencer walks Y/n home.

There’s just a bit of foot-traffic and they both get bumped into quite a few times. Y/n almost gets hit by an asshole who decided to run a redlight. Spencer has to refrain himself from yelling profanities he had only said to himself in the mirror to try them out; he only mouths them, but thinks that they fit like a pair of shoes three-sizes too large. Spencer supposes that he’d grow into them, one day, at least.

A small patch of wildflowers sat in an area of the campus that the landscapers had somehow missed, for what appeared to be many weeks. Without thinking Spencer plucked one and placed it in Y/n’s hair. The wildflower stuck out oddly but Spencer would be lying if he didn't say it isn't cute. Nature suited Y/n.

It was one of the many differences of the two. Y/n would forever be pastries, flowers, and the stars, while Spencer would just be intellect, statistics, and word-vomits. Of course he truly hoped there was more to him than that, considering there was also more to Y/n. Spencer just didn’t know alot about himself. 

His own mind should’ve been as familiar to him as well, his mind, but it was found to be full of too many complexities, so he didn’t care all that much. Y/n’s mind, however, would be a wonder to behold. For example, what about the flower made him laugh so much? The way he laughed made a simple little daisy become an ironic masterpiece of a joke. Spencer asked what was so funny and was only met with more laughs before Y/n took a deep breath to explain.

“It’s just… For the last few months I’ve related you to the sun. And then you give me a flower, which uses the sun for energy.” Spencer still didn’t know what was so funny, but felt the tip of his nose grow warm. He thought of Y/n as the stars and the flowers and he thought of Spencer as the sun? That was ironic. Then it hit him. Plants technically ‘eat’ the sun… 

“I get it! Kinda...” he said with a smile as Y/n nodded for him to continue walking. They soon made it to Y/n’s dorm.

Y/n silently invited Spencer in. He didn’t bother with closing the door and instead slung his bag down and collapsed backwards onto his bed. Spencer closed the door for him and followed him in. His bag, instead of being thrown, was set rather gently on the desk in the corner of the room. Spencer also took off his shoes before sitting down beside Y/n, who had, at that point, sat up and kicked off his own shoes. 

“Guess what?” Y/n asked while wiggling his eyebrows. Spencer replied a quick, ‘what’. When Y/n next spoke, his mouth was right next to Spencer’s ear. “We’re not in a library anymore.”

“There’s still one problem,” Spencer tries to pull away from the gravitational force of Y/n’s lips but can’t and hovers close enough for them to almost touch. “If I kiss you, then you’ll kiss me more, and then I’ll kiss you more. If that happens, then I’m afraid I won’t stop.”

Y/n’s arms continue pulling them closer together. “What if I don’t care that you wouldn’t stop?”

Their lips touch for just a moment, Spencer pulling back with a sigh. His fingers trace along Y/n’s jaw. “Not like this.” he murmurs. “I wanna take you on a date.”

“Okay. How about you read to me?” Y/n suggests. “I  _ do  _ have a copy of Pride and Prejudice right here, after all.”

Spencer laughs, picking up the book from the small bedside-table and scooching with Y/n to rest at the top of his bed. He clears his throat and takes a breath in before starting.

_ “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” _

* * *

Their date came two weeks later, on a Friday. Spencer called in a reservation and brought Y/n some wildflowers he had pressed between the pages of books long ago. He tied them with a piece of yellow yarn he found, and thought it to be better than a bouquet of any other flowers.

See, those bouquets would wilt and die, whilst a pressed flower would live for eternity. Or at least, for a very long time, if he were being scientific. 

Luckily it wasn’t awkward. The two, having not been old enough to drink wine, instead drank water. Spencer did feel a bit out of place with how fancy the place was. Though he had been in places that were ‘fancier’, he’d never felt more like a little boy who had wandered into the wrong house more than right then. It wasn’t Y/n who made him feel like that. No, it was everyone else. They all would look oddly at the two men who dined together. The waiter, more than once made the spoken word ‘ _ friend’  _ more hostile than necessary, as if to say  _ “You two had better just be friends.”  _

Spencer didn’t care, though. He’d face a million bigots and homophobes to be able to be with Y/n. 

They ended up asking for a check early. Y/n practically kicked Spencer when he tried to pay for the whole meal; they ended up splitting, Spencer tipped the waiter, only gave half of what the waiter would have gotten without the hostility.

With full bellies and small giggles they snuck into a library just down the street from the restaurant. The Librarian was good friends with Y/n’s Mom, so they were allowed to be there after closing. The two ran their fingers along the spines of the rows of books while searching for one to read. Y/n pulled Spencer towards a section that he must’ve visited before. Expertly, Y/n plucked a book from the shelf. 

He didn’t give Spencer a single glance at the title and instead ushered for them to sit in a small nook. Illuminated by a small light and the full moon behind them, Y/n read ‘The Little Prince’, fingers tracing over the artwork and eyes full of the curiosity and wonder of someone who grew up too fast.

Spencer recognised the look, he had, after all, seen it in the mirror. Spencer took careful note of the places where Y/n paused longer than needed, storing the quotes away for a reason he didn’t know. 

_ “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” _

_ “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” _

_ “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” _

_ “Well, I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.” _

And 

_ “You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You - only you - will have stars that can laugh.” _

Were all some of Spencer’s favorites. He liked to think that you paused on them for a moment longer than the rest for a reason. 

They finished the book in two hours and Y/n walked Spencer home. The words  _ ‘Stay’  _ and  _ ‘Don’t go’  _ hung in the air but Spencer knew it was late and that they needed to part. That didn’t make him want to close the door any less.

Especially not when Y/n’s lips tasted so sweet on his.

In his room he found a small leather-bound journal hidden in his things. The pages were strangely blank and he found himself compelled to write down Y/n. Not just who he was, but the memories they shared. He didn’t know why. Spencer had an Eidetic memory, and would likely never forget. But there was always a small ‘ _ if’ _ that pushed him to scrawl on the off-white pages. If he were ever dumb enough to forget Y/n, this would be there to remind him. From his pant’s pocket he plucked a polaroid. In it was him and Y/n smiling. The picture was forced upon him by Y/n, who already had a small gathering of 6 photos of the two of them on his wall.

Sometime between writing about their rollerskating adventure and stargazing did Spencer realize that he was falling in love. By the time he finished all of his memories and taken up sixty-seven of the four hundred and seventy three pages had it dawned that his realization had come a little too late.

For he was already indisputably and inexorably in love with Y/n L/n.

Later that night he would dream of himself as a boy who had a flower unique in all the universes because that flower was the only flower he loved. And that was better than any rare species combined.

* * *

Valentines day seemed to be as good as any day to confess to your boyfriend that you loved him. Still, Spencer thought it was cliche and that Y/n deserved better than that.

Plus he was swamped at work. The day of love was a day where many people went to cafe’s, so Y/n’s mom needed all hands on deck. Of course Spencer had wanted to spend the day with Y/n, but he knew that the cafe was important to him, and didn’t pry.

Spencer’s Valentines Day at home seemed to go slow, not even remembering the truth behind the day made it pass faster. Though the holiday is now renowned by being the perfect day for being with a romantic interest, the origin is much darker and not exactly the best thing to be told to kids, which is why not many know it.

February 13th to February 15th used to be the time of a Roman celebration of Lupercalia. Goats and Dogs would be sacrificed before women were whipped with the hides of the sacrificed animals. The women would, in fact, line up to be hit, believing that it was good for fertility. 

Another celebration was a lottery where women and men would be paired for the three days-- and even longer if the coupling worked out. 

Even the name of the day can be traced back to the Romans. On February 14th in two different years, Emperor Claudius II executed two men who were both named Valentine which then led to the Catholic Church honoring their martyrdom. 

Spencer repeated that information to Ethan and was told that “ _ That’s cool, but I don’t wanna think about that right before Josh and I go on a date.”  _ Which meant that until around three-o'clock, Spencer had only the company of himself and the seven books he read in that time-frame (he read slowly to savor them). At three he decided to take a walk and purchase a muffin and obviously what better than to purchase a muffin at the  _ Honey and Paper Cafe,  _ which just so happens to have his boyfriend standing front and center at the counter.

“What can I get for you, sir?” Y/n says with a cheeky smile.

Spencer hums and smiles, though he did feel a bit awkward having shown up randomly, “A chocolate chip muffin, cup of hot-cocoa..” Spencer lowered his voice and leaned closer to Y/n. “And maybe one kiss?”

Y/n shook his head and tapped his fingers on the register. “That will be four dollars and twelve cents. Would you like your muffin now, or to be delivered with your drink?”

“With my drink will be fine,” Spencer replies, his lips pursed, “You didn’t say anything about my kiss.”

Y/n laughed. “Oh. Yeah.” He leaned closer to Spencer before pulling back and placing a singular Hershey kiss on the counter. “There you go, sir. Please go sit at a table, you things will be with you shortly. Feel free to browse our bookshelves, do refrain from taking any out of the store, though.”

Spencer shakes his head and decides to browse the shelves while waiting. He found a copy of  _ The Great Gatsby  _ and decided to flip through it. The book wasn’t his favorite, and he had read it before, but it was something to do. He had only made it to chapter two by the time a person, who had similar looks to Y/n set down his plate and coffee. Perhaps this was Y/n’s sibling?

Ten minutes later, his muffin was nothing but bird-pickings, his cup was only a quarter full, and his book was almost at the last few pages when Y/n sat down across from him. “You forgot your kiss.”

Spencer pushed up his glasses and took a sip of his cooling cocoa, “You know that’s not what I was talking about!” 

“Yeah, but the look on your face was priceless.”

Spencer thought of a joke and hoped it might make you laugh. “No, I think it would cost the price of the Mona Lisa. Which, as assesed in 1962, is worth one hundred million dollars. Though with inflation that’d be five hundred eighty-eight million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred sixty-two dollars and eight cents.”

Y/n’s eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open. “Pretty, I am so sorry but that sounded like gibberish. I don't understand math, I gave up when they introduced not  _ one  _ but  _ two  _ letters.”

He just laughed, it was meant to be a joke but he rambled just a bit too much. Spencer doesn’t think he’s laughed so much in his life; he feels free-er with Y/n. “Happy valentine’s day. I didn’t get you any chocolate, but I thought I might as well see you anyway.”

“Hm, that’s fine. You probably wouldn’t get the right kind anyway.”

“You have that little faith in me?” he asked, his hand reaching above the table to hold Y/n’s hand. His faux pout faded to a soft smile when their fingers intertwined.

“Nah, jus’ that not alot of people know to get dark chocolate. Which is  _ the _ best chocolate…” Y/n trailed off, looking to the door, seeing that a customer had just walked in and sighed. “I have to go, I’ll see you later yeah? I can show you the wonders of dark chocolate.”

Spencer didn’t bother telling him that the chocolate covered pretzels were dark chocolate, and instead finished his muffin. The words  _ ‘I love you’  _ lingered on his lips as he said goodbye, but he didn't dare speak them for fear of it being too soon.

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

* * *

Valentine's day passed, and so did February. Soon, it was March, Y/n convinced Spencer to go to a St. Patrick's day party. He forced Y/n to not drink, in return for him going. Spencer probably would’ve gone anyway, even if Y/n had something to drink.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t nice to make sure his boyfriend didnt drink while still underaged. Y/n claimed that he would be twenty one in seven days, but the point still stood. 

On March 23rd, Y/n complained about the fact it was going to rain on his birthday. Before he could think about his words, Spencer said that maybe they could spend the night of the 24th together, since Y/n had said how he hates the rain. Spencer didn’t pry but he could tell it was because of the accident. 

He has talked in passing about it. It was during a bad storm, the roads flooded and they skidded off a bridge. Y/n was the only survivor. Eight years old and all alone. It reminded him of his childhood in a way. He didn’t know the story of why Y/n was alone. Obviously he has a biological sibling. 

Y/n smiled wide at him. “I’d love that.”

At 6 pm on the evening of the 24th, a knock resounded on Spencer’s front door. He knew it was Y/n so he quickly went to open it. Nervousness flooded his stomach and he thought about the present he had sat on his bed, wrapped up in newspaper (after he solved the crossword puzzle, of course). It’d taken a while to find a good edition, but he really hoped Y/n would like it.

On the other side of the door was his boyfriend and in his hands was a bottle of vodka and cranberry juice. Spencer rolled his eyes as Y/n, who had became comfortable in Spencer’s apartment as of late, barreled through and set the liquids on the coffee table.

“Hello to you too.” Spencer quipped, closing the door and following through the hall to see Y/n sitting on the couch with wiggily feet.

“Oh! Sorry.” Y/n said a bit out of breath as energy that he couldn’t control escaped through wiggles. “Hi, pretty.”

Spencer could never not melt from that. Though he may have not ever thought himself to be pretty, Y/n said it with such a certainty as if Spencer being pretty was a truth as natural as the grass. “Wait right here!”

Spencer walked to his bedroom feeling that pit of nervousness fall into his stomach again. With the rectangular wrapped box in his hand he sat down next to Y/n, who’s eyes were bright and wide.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

With a sheepish smile Spencer placed the box on Y/n’s lap. “Maybe not, but I wanted to.”

Fingers pulled at the tape before stopping for a moment to push up Spencer’s glasses. Like every time he’s done that, Spencer’s stomach erupts with butterflies and momentarily makes him forget about the present-- now fully unwrapped. Inside the box was a paperback copy of  _ Wind, Sand, and Stars.  _ Y/n gasped and looked up at Spencer, whose gaze was locked on Y/n. He knew the expression in his eyes explained more than his words ever could, the fondness, and love told a story that he didn’t know.

Perhaps it was the story of his soul.

“I’ve never read this book before.” Y/n said, fingers trailing over the cover.

There's a lump in Spencer's throat when he speaks. The way he feels is reminiscent of the constellations, but on a much more grandeur level. “I figured, but you liked The Little Prince and so I thought you’d enjoy it.”

Y/n flips open the cover and then runs their fingertips across the paper, flipping through the pages quickly before pausing on the usually blank slot of paper in the back of the book.. Spencer knew what was written there in his atrocious handwriting.

“ _ The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” --Antoine de Saint-Exupéry _

He knew it was odd to leave a quote from a different book in one by the same author, but didn’t care. Spencer felt resonations with the quote. Seeing as he would never touch or see Y/n’s soul physically, but knew it was the most beautiful thing to behold anyway. 

Spencer loved Y/n,

And Y/n smiled because he knew.

“I love you too,” he finally said which made Spencer let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. The moment couldn’t be broken, not even when Y/n grabbed two cups from the kitchen and poured out a vodka cranberry. 

Spencer was about to decline but decided to ‘live a little’, besides, Y/n would only have his 21st birthday once in a lifetime. Spencer was definitely not going to be the one to ruin it.

The first drink stung, and so did the second. Y/n seemed to be a bit better with it, though. Spencer was definitely already feeling the effects. There was no need for any television or movies, the two found entertainment through conversations that were slowly becoming more and more inebriated.

“I think I’m drunk.” Spencer said while working on his fourth vodka-cranberry. Y/n giggled and finished off his fifth. 

Their conversation was mostly talking about anything that popped into their mind. Spencer talked about the French Revolution and how it wasn’t all that successful considering the monarchy still existed and Y/n talked about how hard it was to get lost in someone's eyes. Y/n used Spencer’s eyes as an example, which made the flush on his face increase from something other than the alcohol. 

Once Spencer realized that they needed to drink water he went and grabbed some bottles from the fridge. Umpromptedly, Y/n changed the subject by blurting out, “Have you ever had sex?”

Spencer almost dropped the water when he tripped, but luckily caught himself. “Um. No. Why is this a relevant question…?”

Y/n sighed and fell back on the couch. “Because I haven’t either… but I wan’ to.”

Spencer’s eyes widened and his heart pounded so hard he felt it was going to explode out of his chest. “You do?”

His boyfriend smiled and patted the cushion beside him. With burning cheeks Spencer sat down. “Mhm, but you probably wouldn’t wanna have sex with me.”

Y/n had said it so sadly that it hurt Spencer’s heart. He knew that sex wasn’t needed in a relationship, but he did want to have sex with you, even though he knew it’d be akward due to his inherent lack of sexual experience. 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

He sat up and brought his knees to his chest. “Well, I don’t have a guy's anatomy. I’m transgender.”

Spencer didn’t know what that meant he wouldn’t want to have sex with him. Just because he didn’t have a ‘traditional’ body didn’t mean that he wasn’t Y/n. So he said just that. “I don’t care about that, you’re still my boyfriend.”

Y/n smiled for a second before moving closer to press his lips against Spencer’s. 

Whether it was the alcohol or just Y/n he didn’t know, but deepened the kiss anyway. Y/n’s fingers unbuttoned Spencer’s cardigan and trailed down his arms while trying to pull it off, their lips not pulling away from each other. Spencer’s hands wrapped around his boyfriends waist to pull him closer, as close as he could get. Y/n ended up in Spencer’s lap, shins on both sides of Spencer’s legs.

This time it was Spencer pressing kisses to Y/n’s neck. He learned that Y/n liked it when Spencer pressed kissed along the top of his collarbone and relished in the breathy pants that fell from his lips. Spencer didn’t know what he was doing, but Y/n seemed to like it. 

He pulled away for a second. “We should go to my room,” but didn’t stop and instead just hoisted Y/n up into his arms. He wasn’t exactly light, considering that Spencer also wasn’t fit, but the adrenaline pumping through his veins allowed him to make it into his room to set Y/n on his bed.

Spencer unbuttoned his shirt as fast as he could. Y/n did the same and hesitated with his fingers gripping the edge of his black binder. Or at least Spencer assumed that’s what it was, he only knew vaguely of the things Transgender people used. “You don’t have to take it off if you don’t want to. I’m fine even if you decide you don’t want to do this.”

Y/n shook his head. “I want to, I’m just scared of how you’ll react.”

Spencer understood that. The last time  _ he _ was naked around someone wasn’t exactly by choice or a good experience. “I promise to be on the best behavior I can.”

With a deep inhale and exhale Y/n pulled it off. Spencer tried to stay true to his word and instead looked at Y/n’s face. Though he did see glances of the expanse of skin exposed to him. 

“Get down here,” Y/n whined and Spencer lightly giggled before crawling over Y/n, placing small and quick kiss on Y/n’s lips before fingers lace in his hair to pull him closer. 

Their kisses heat and their bodies press closer together. Y/n rolls his hips into Spencer’s and he can’t stop the moan that breaks the kiss. Y/n does it again and Spencer’s hands force his hips to stay flat against the bedsheets. “Don’t do that.”

Y/n pouted, “Why not?”

He looked away, pointedly not looking at Y/n. “I’m gonna… if you do that and I’d rather be in you.”

Y/n stutter’s. “O-oh, okay.”

Spencer went back to kiss Y/n but realized something. “I don’t have a condom.”

“That’s fine, I’m on birth control. And, yknow, It’s hard to contract something when you’ve never done anything.”

Spencer choked on his tongue, and nodded and ‘okay’. His hands moved from Y/n’s hips up to his waist, hesitating before softly trailing his fingers down to the buttons on Y/n’s jeans. He unbuttons and unzips them, sliding them down when Y/n lifts his hips. They’re discarded and forgotten about as Spencer hesitates at the edge of Y/n’s boxers. Y/n nods and Spencer slips his hand into them, committing to memory the look on Y/n’s face as he touches him. 

Slowly he dips his index into the pooling dampness, slowly slipping in a finger. Y/n’s face doesn’t show any sign of discomfort which encourages him to curl his finger. His boyfriend's head falls back against the pillows and a lowly whine slips from his lips. Spencer continues that motion, relishing in how he pushes back against his finger before slipping in another. His thumb rubs tentatively against Y/n’s clit and his boyfriends thighs clamped around his arm.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

Y/n laughed, “More like the opposite. I just… want you in me, please.”

Spencer says a weak okay and forces down his pants and jeans. Now he’s fully naked and has already been erect since they started kissing. He moves forward, lips pressing against Y/n’s as he lines up. Y/n nods and so he slowly starts to push in. Already he can tell he’s not going to last. Y/n winces and then assures him that it's only general discomfort. A minute or two passes and Y/n tells him that he can move.

Slowly he pulls back and then pushes forward. Spencer feels like he’s in heaven, with the way Y/n pants out little curses as their pace increases and how Y/n  _ feels  _ around him, tight and warm and perfect. As their hips meet Spencer notices tension other than pleasure form in his lower back and hips, but the pain is overwhelmed by pleasure. Y/n sucks a hickey on Spencer’s neck, though it’s nothing compared to the littering of them on Y/n. 

“Spencer,” Y/n moaned out as his hand snaked to rub his clit, “Faster.”

Spencer complied, feeling his peak oncoming, “I’m not gonna last, honeybee.”

“Me either.”

Spencer didn’t even know his own name as he came. Y/n orgasmed just a few seconds before he did, nails lightly pulling down his back with a wordless moan.

Slowly Spencer pulled out to lay beside Y/n. Taking a minute breather before grabbing a discarded article of clothing to gently clean up Y/n.

“Do you wanna cuddle or take a shower?” Spencer asked, looking up at Y/n.

He smiled softly before answering. “Both, cuddle first.”

Spencer moved back up and wrapped his arms around Y/n. “Okay.”

* * *

The night of Y/n’s birthday had been a little over a month ago. Currently Y/n was waking up to a fresh, late April morning.

The only thing wrong was that he was alone, even though Spencer had stayed the night. That’s when he saw it, the book he got for his birthday misplaced from his shelf onto his bedside table. Quickly he picked it up and from the front cover fell a folded up piece of notebook paper. 

On it, was written,

_ “My Dearest, Y/n, _

_ Hopefully your dreams were okay. Mine haven’t been the best. Sometimes I do wish that we had no need for sleep. That way my time could be better spent with you. _

_ Earlier, when I woke up at three-am I was thinking about you. I do that often. You’re my boyfriend, after all. You are the most stunning person I have ever had the privilege of meeting. _

_ Despite that, you and I... We can’t be together anymore. I wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it must. The future that’s being set in motion for me would be too dangerous for you. If I had asked you’d have said it wouldn’t. If I could stay with you and protect you from all the evil in the world, I would. _

_ Please know none of this because of you. You are the most perfect person and the greatest first love anyone could have. I only thought you should know. _

_ I reread Pride and Prejudice before writing, I know it's your favorite. I think it’s one of my favorites now, too. _

_ I should probably wrap this up. I don’t think I could bear to have to rewrite this due to tear stains. I care about you, stay safe for me, honeybee. _

_ I’ll love you, forever and always. Perhaps we’ll meet again in the sky as constellations. _

_ Goodbye my love, _

_ Spencer Reid _

_ (P.S. I’m sorry.)”  _

And that was the last he saw of Spencer Reid. His boyfriend-- ex boyfriend-- disappeared without a trace. So did Ethan and Josh. 

Y/n was devastated, enough that they couldn’t stay in their dorm anymore and moved back to his teenage home. The only good news? His sibling was pregnant and he was going to be an Uncle.

The last thing he wondered about their relationship was if Apollo mourned for Icarus, like Icarus did for Apollo while he fell. 

Oh well, he’d never know, anyway.

He’d known the redamancy of Spencer’s feelings would only last so long. Maybe he just wished his wouldn’t last longer.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't my usual chapter length, I got sick on Sunday and needed to go to the hospital! Sorry

_ ROUGHLY SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER… _

Y/n hated bars with a passion. They were full of drunk people who only wanted a quick one-night-stand, kids in their twenties with too much hope for the world, and oftentimes people who thought they could sing. This sentiment was however, not shared by Y/n’s group of friends, who all forced him to go out on a Friday night.

He throws back a shot and wrinkles his nose at the burn that has slowly stopped messing with him throughout the years. He wasn’t a drunk, of course, it was just a natural tolerance that he built from the occasional night out.

If it was up to him he would be at home. Y/n much preferred the company of his laptop open on the current story he was writing and the soft sounds of classical music floating from his record player. It was nott that he didn’t have a phone, or a radio, that could do the same, someone had just taught him to enjoy the past a bit more.

Stupidly, Y/n found himself listening to the words of Spencer, someone who crossed his mind often. Spencer was the smartest idiot that Y/n ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving. The one thing he wanted to say (scream from the rooftops) was that Y/n didn’t care if being with Spencer wouldn’t be safe or etc. All he wanted was Spencer.

Of course that was the twenty-something year old Y/n who hadn’t been faced with reality and responsibility. Which thirty-eight year old Y/n knew like the back of his hand.

It was the thought that Spencer would hate bars that spurred him to go. So there he was, sitting at a table with people he only slightly knew and drinking. 

“Y/n!” Marie cried for about the fifteenth time in a row, “What’s up ‘n that head ‘o yours?” 

“Nothing! Just tired, when can I leave?” Annabeth shook her head and rolled her eyes, exacerbated she stretched and made  _ everyone  _ again look at the bright and shiny gold ring on her hand. 

“When you go dance or buy a drink for someone!” Mark replied while sipping on his  _ Sex on the Beach.  _ Y/n groaned, they always tried to do this-- set him up with someone. That’s when he noticed her.

Across the bar, a woman, she was pretty (Y/n may have not been attracted to girls but still knew that she would’ve been an attractive one had Y/n been straight) and seemed a little lonely. Deciding that the only way to get his ‘friends’ off his back and potentially make another acquaintance he walked over.

The woman looked inquisitively at him, almost as if she could stare through him. The gaze reminded him of-- no. He said to himself he would stop doing that, comparing everyone he met to the genius who once kissed him in college. This wasn’t Pasadena, it was D.C. 

“Hi, my friends are being assholes and won’t let me leave until I buy someone a drink. Please let me pay for your next-” he looked down to her hands but couldn’t recognize the drink, “- whatever. I honestly don’t care.”

She smiled a bit and moved her black hair behind her ear. “If this is your way of flirting, I hate to say that it isn’t working.”

“No!” Y/n exclaimed, hands shooting up in a weird ‘explosion’ motion that he had no reason to do. “I’m gay, I like guys. I just want the assholes across the bar to let me get an uber home.”

The woman shook her head and extended her hand. “I’m Emily.”

Y/n shook it and a voice that sounded a lot like Spencer resounded in the back of his skull. ‘ _ Handshakes trade too many pathogens. It’s much safer to kiss.’  _ “Y/n. So, what are you doing alone in a bar?” 

Emily took a drink and made a weird half smile into Y/n’s direction, “What makes you think I’m alone?”

“First of all, despite the fact that a weird guy that you don’t know approached you and you didn’t look back to check and see if your friends were near. Yknow, just in case I was a weirdo. That means that either you’re alone, can protect yourself, or your friends always keep a good eye on you.”

Y/n hums and watches as Emily’s expression changes to being impressed. “No, your friends are here. That leaves the other options, I’m gonna say a combination of both.” 

A grin broke over Emily’s face and she told Y/n he was correct. “How do you know so much about how to do that?”

Giddy feelings exploded in Y/n’s stomach. No on had ever asked him that. For good reason.

“I like to learn things, any knowledge I can get my hands on. I know a gazillion facts about butterflies: my favorite is the Pachliopta hector, also known as the Crimson Rose butterfly, it’s a red-bodied swallowtail. This specific knowledge, however, comes from when I was researching for a book. One of the MC’s is a F.B.I. agent and so for the character sheet I needed to know what division. I stumbled upon the Behavior Analysis Unit and then spent like twelve hours reading. I ended up choosing White-Collar Crimes because it felt easier and would make my editors kinder…” when Emily had not replied Y/n felt a warm flush rise to his face and reached into his pocket to pull out a ten. That should be enough for Emily’s drink so that he might escape.

“I’m sorry for rambling, I’ll leave now.”

“Wait!” she said and Y/n froze his movement. “I was just a bit shocked. I’m a Unit Chief with the B.A.U, you stunned me because before that I had never heard anyone actually know who we are. Plus you reminded me of someone.” Y/n blanched. Fuck, he’d just proflied a profiler. What he wouldn’t do to melt into the floor like a popsicle right about then. “You did good though, my coworkers are actually a bit that way. I left to try and find a girl that Morgan wouldn’t steal.”

“I’m so sorry! I must really be ruining your chances.” 

“No no!” she assured him. “The conversation is very welcome. I was bored out of my mind.”

Y/n smiled at that and looked over the bar to order himself something to drink. He decided on a martini. The bartender gave it to him within a matter of minutes as the conversation continued to flow between Emily and Y/n. 

“How would you feel about ditching your friends to be with mine?” Emily asked ten minutes later. Y/n couldn’t have asked for a better angel to save him and agreed. He was more than happy to ditch people he could care less about. 

The two made their way through the bar, Y/n made sure to tell Emily that it was important for her hand to be placed over her drink. Y/n would never let someone get roofied on his watch. He kept feeling Emily wanting to ask a question and was waiting for the moment when she would. 

“Why are you wearing headphones in a bar?” She finally said as they dodged hitting into a large man. Y/n laughed a bit.

“Oh, I’m listening to music. Way better than the weird remixes that are on right now.”

“What are you listening to?”

Y/n hesitated and took his bottom lip between his teeth. “You’ll laugh.”

She assured him that he wouldn’t and he rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine! It’s a playlist I made for when I wanna feel gay but there's too many straight people around for it to be obvious.”

Emily laughed and had to stop walking for a minute. “I could use that playlist for work.”

They soon made it to the corner where Emily’s friends were holed up. There was a taller man with mid-toned skin clearly flirting with a short and cute blond woman sat next to a tired dirty-blond haired woman. Y/n guessed that the first two were interested in the other but wanted to make it not obvious, the tired woman was a mom. Y/n knew the signs of a tired parent.

Seeing as he often saw them on himself.

The tired one looked like she was getting ready to leave and then perked up at the sight of Emily. Oh, this seemed interesting.

“Are you going to introduce us to your new friend?” the peppy-blond one asked. She wore bright clothes and large cat-eyed glasses. She was the incarnate of that one cat that changed everyone's minds about how cats were supposed to be grouchy. Y/n could tell he would like her already.

“Oh, yeah!” Emily said. “Guys, this is Y/n. Y/n this is Luke, Penelope, J.J. and… We’re missing someone.”

“The good doctor is grabbing more shots: I told him I’d take his book if he didn’t.” Penelope grinned and looked over to Y/n. “I  _ love  _ your shoes, did you paint them yourself?”

Y/n looked down to his blue-green galaxy converse littered with stars and the constellations drawn out in a warm yellow. “No, someone made them for me! I love the stars and so she gave them to me for my birthday.”

Penelope gasped. “You have to tell me who! I have these white pumps I never wear and would pay good money for a design to be on them!”

Y/n’s eyes widened. “She would be delighted! What’s your number so we can contact you? My daughter is an excellent artist, I can vouch for her fifteen times over.”

J.J’s eyes lit up. “Your daughter?”

Y/n hummed. “She’s the light of my life. She’s thirteen and already has aspirations to be the greatest artist ever known.” 

They all smiled at that and J.J spoke up, “That reminds me of someone. Actually, he seems to be on his way with our shots now. I know the feeling of your kid being the light of your life, in fact I have two boys of my own.” 

You all continued talking about random topics, Y/n slightly buzzed from the drinks he had had. Five minutes later a voice rumbled from behind Y/n, causing him to flinch.

It was vaguely familiar, in a way that felt like coming home. The timbre and deepness of the voice was unfamiliar to him, it was more the tone and the way the words were carried that struck him in the heart. 

It couldn’t be…

“Spencer, this is Y/n!” Penelope said and the alcohol bled from Y/n’s system in a split second. He didn’t want to turn around and felt relief flood him as the man behind him moved to set down the shots. He caught sight of darker hair, it was shaggier and looked like it needed a good combing. 

“Hello.” Y/n said quickly before busying himself with his phone. There were numerous messages from his friends.

_ GROUP MESSAGE:  _

_ Letthemeatcock: who changed my name again. _

_ :knife emoji: _

_ *Letthemeatcock has changed her name to Letthemeatcake* _

_ Wait wheres kiram _

_ Markyparky: idk i think he left with that hot chick _

_ Anniebannanie: good for him. he needs to get laid _

Y/n scoffed and quickly typed out a text. Hit send. Message has been sent.

_ GROUP MESSAGE: _

_ Shhh_imwriting: fuck you guys, if it wasn’t for you then I wouldnt have to be near my ex  _

The chat exploded but Y/n tucked his phone into his pocket. Not before he caught a glance at the time, though.

“Thanks for letting me hang with you guys but it’s getting late and I need to get home!” Y/n said, smile slightly turning down at the chorus of  _ ‘no’ _ s. 

“Wait!” Spencer said as Y/n turned to leave. A spark of pain flashed through his chest before he fixed his face. “I was just about to leave. To save you the uber fee I could drive you home?”

That’s when Y/n saw it. Err… Saw  _ him.  _ The man in front of Y/n was in no shape or form the same that he had been years ago, he was noticeably an or two taller. His eyes were darker and held more pain. His jawline, still as sharp as ever, now was donned with a scratchy beard. 

Y/n wouldn’t say that he didn’t look bad, but it was really the honesty still hidden in Spencer’s eyes that made him say ‘Okay’.

The car ride started awkward. Y/n only talks to give directions and Spencer only asks for them. Then Spencer huffed and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

It would be dishonest to say that Y/n didn’t find his eyes wandering from Spencer’s hands, to the muscle of his bicep, and then to the slope and cut of his cheekbone. Boyish charm had given way to a darker handsomeness that Y/n found attractive. Though it was weird, seeing as Y/n really did always go for the ‘nerdy’ ones. 

Maybe Y/n’s type was just Spencer Reid.

“I’m sorry.” The man awkwardly spoke up. “For leaving you like that. I understand now it was a…”

Y/n could tell that he didn’t know the words to say and provided them for him. “A dick move?”

Spencer laughed and the tension melted. “Yeah, it was a dick move. Ethan convinced me that when I became an agent I would be shot at and die, which I guess scared me.”

He felt the anger roll off of Spencer. Y/n wanted so desperately to tell him it was alright, but it wasn’t. A sorry wasn’t the apology that Y/n’s pride and heart needed to mend. He didn’t know the words in which to use without sounding odd, so instead Y/n said: “ I could easily forgive  _ his _ pride, if he had not mortified  _ mine.” _

The quote broke out a devastatingly beautiful smile from Spencer’s face. Y/n couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to somberly touch his fingertips to the dimple of Spencer’s cheek. “I could never remember your smile right. It was always not perfect in my mind. To see the real thing after so long… It’s heartbreaking.”

The smile didn't fall but Spencer’s eyes grew a touch sadder. “I never meant to hurt you.  _ Please  _ let me fix it-- I’ve spent so long trying to replace you because I know how bad I screwed up.”

Surprise flashed through Y/n. All the dates he’d been on for the past years have never gone further because they weren’t Spencer. Did Spencer still in a way, love Y/n the way Y/n still loved him?

It made no sense to love someone who has changed so completely and truly that you don’t even know if they still enjoy coffee the way they used too or if Star Trek is still their favorite show. But Y/n wouldn’t mind learning it all and falling in love with every piece of Spencer. New or old, it wouldn’t matter. 

That was a problem. Y/n had a daughter to look out for. There was no need for her to have a figure to look up to suddenly disappear because they couldn’t take the pressure. “I want to know you again. There's just one problem.” 

“What is that?” Spencer glanced over before looking back to the road. Y/n’s heart quickened.

“I have a daughter.” Grief flashed over Spencer’s face and Y/n watched as he went through the stages of composure before speaking.

“Oh. I didn’t know that you have a boyfriend… Or a husband. I’m sorry,” the way he spoke sounded like someone had taken a battering ram to his heart. It wouldn’t have taken a profiler to see that he had thought Y/n had gotten over him. 

“No!” Y/n said. “I don’t.” A sadness bubbled into Y/n’s chest. “My daughter is my niece… Dove, they passed away after giving birth.”

Y/n took a shaky breath. “After you left, I learned that Dove was pregnant. They miscarried but got pregnant again. August Eighth of 2006, at 11:11 am Evelyn Dove Hansen was born. I gave her my siblings name…” Y/n wiped away the tears that had started to form.

“Sorry, I just get emotional.” 

“It’s fine!” Spencer assured. “Also, I don’t see your daughter as a problem. I’m more than okay with kids; I have two godsons.”

Y/n laughed at that and told him to turn onto a street. An odd look passed over Spencer’s face. “I’m guessing J.J’s sons are your godsons?”

“How did you know?”

“Lucky guess. This is it. Thanks for driving me.”

Spencer smiled over at Y/n. “It’s no problem, besides, this really isn't far from my apartment.”

“Are you sure?” Y/n got out of the car, Spencer did the same. 

“Yes. This is also  _ my  _ apartment complex.” Y/n laughed at the Irony and walked with Spencer. 

Though it’s been many years since 2002 and too much has happened, the time almost blurs and it feels like they're walking to Y/n’s dorm. They part by the elevator, Spencer opting to take the stairs.

Spencer handed Y/n a card, written on the back in his genius handwriting were numbers. “Thats my business card, on the back is my personal phone number. Call me and we can set up a time and place where we can catch up.”

He looked like he was debating something in his mind as the elevator doors started to close. Decidingly Spencer used his hand to stop the closure and pulled Y/n to him by the hand. Their chests were touching and Y/n felt like jello.

Spencer leaned down to press his lips against Y/n’s in a chaste kiss that felt like breaking into libraries, hushed whispers, and the pitter-patter of midnight rain. They broke away with a small smile and all Y/n could hear was white noise as Spencer disappeared up the staircase.

The doors closed and Y/n leaned back against the elevator wall. Holy shit, that just happened.

Y/n might kinda-sorta have a date. With his ex.

Fuck.

* * *

Three days later Y/n has still not done anything to talk to Spencer. No phone calls, no texts, no emails.

He has, however, rearranged his room four times, mopped, swept, and cleaned his house from top to bottom. It felt as though a ghost who only cared about spotlessness had possessed him. Or at least that’s what Evie said.

“Dad, if I see you washing the clean dishes  _ one more time,  _ I will break your computer. I know you and your commitment issues are stalling, but just  _ write!”  _ Evelyn said with her hands on her hips. For a thirteen year old she has a lot of attitude. Y/n thinks she gets it from her friends who look like they would eat middle-school Y/n alive.

_ Oh my God,  _ Y/n thought,  _ my daughter is a Mean Girl. _

“Okay sweetie, you’re completely wrong as to why I’m stressed though.”

Evie rolled her eyes and ran her hand through her fine silver hair (she was blond but begged Y/n to let her tone it.) Evie was strange. Not just in the way all teenagers are strange.

For instance Evie had naturally white hair and melanin-less skin. Plus she had heterochromia which gave her a red-pink eye and a blue one. Y/n just so happened to be the Father of a daughter with both albinism and heterochromia. Also Evelyn enjoyed things like debate, drama, and band.

But then went on to be a cheerleader. It was almost as if Y/n had two daughters rather than one. 

“Dad, I have a question.” She asked at dinner that night.

“Shoot.” Y/n replied while stabbing a fork into his pork-chop. 

Evie sips on her water before replying. “Maya wants to take me-- take my  _ friend group _ out to the movies on Friday. The only tickets we could find are the ten-o'clock showings, though, so could I go and then stay the night?”

Y/n thinks. He would like to be able to have some time to himself, maybe get around to talking to Spencer. “Has either of Maya’s Dad’s said that that would be okay? Also, if your girlfriend wants to take you on a date there's no need to hide it, hun.”

Red formed on Evelyn’s cheeks and Y/n laughed at how embarrassed she was.

“How did you know!” Evelyn asked while pouting into her green beans. Y/n smiled, secretly happy that his daughter found someone that made her happy. If Maya ever broke her heart he would be there to pick her back up.

“A father’s intuition.” 

After that they watched a movie together before it was time for Maya to retire to bed. She had school tomorrow and being tired would only hurt her work. The silence pushed Y/n to break out his phone, ignoring his group chat and missed messages to pull up a new and blank conversation.

He debated on what to send before just sending the first thing that came to mind.

_ Y/n: have you seen ‘Kimi No Na Wa’? more commonly known as ‘Your Name’. _

The reply was almost instantaneous, as if Spencer had been waiting for it.

_ SPENCER REID: Who is this. _

_ Y/n: its Y/n, you told me to text you. sorry it’s coming late, i was busy.  _

_ SPENCER REID: No it’s fine. Do you always only capitalize proper nouns? That’s both a bit frustrating and grammatically incorrect. To answer your question, no I have not seen that film. It rings a bell though. What is it about? _

_ Y/n: i spend enough time already with proper english. being an author sucks. you’ll see what it’s about. does eight at my place work for you? _

When an hour later a reply had not come Y/n sent another message.

_ Y/n: are you okay, Spencer? _

The reply did not take long to come after that. It seemed as though Spencer didn’t reply on purpose.

_ SPENCER REID: Yes. I just wanted to make you say my name and use a capital letter. _

_ SPENCER REID: :) _

Did… Did Doctor Spencer Reid just send an emoji and  _ flirt _ ? Who in the world taught him that?

Instantly Y/n remembered Penelope, who seemed just like the type of person one might go to on help texting and talking to people. It was sweet. The two’s conversation lasted ten minutes before Spencer said that he had to go. Spencer sent a quick message before leaving.

_ SPENCER REID: Sweet dreams, Y/n. Good night. _

The lengthy typing for such a simple message was what got Y/n caught up as he laid in bed, staring at the glow in the dark constellations on his ceiling. 

What had Spencer wanted to say?

His thoughts faded away into the gentle whispers of his dreams. Spencer’s lips pressed against his throat and the murmurs and hums of a language to which all meaning escaped him. Normally college Spencer took place in these dreams, all cardigan and adorable awkwardness.

This time it was present Spencer, with his dark eyes and voice that sounded rich like chocolate.

Y/n would never admit that he didn’t mind the change. A part of him still loved Spencer and another part almost despised him for leaving. 

Y/n subconsciously warred with himself all night. When he awoke he didn’t know which side had won and was rearing in victory. 

He hoped it was love. 

Sat on his bed-side table was his phone. He picked it up and was greeted with a message from Spencer. It was a simple ‘Good Morning’ that had been sent a half-hour ago. With a smile on his face Y/n opened up his computer and went writing.

There was only a chapter left when his timer went off. Quickly he got up for a stretch and moved to go check and make sure Evie was in her first period class. She was home-schooled and had her lectures and etc online. The kids at school were brutal because of her unique beauty, so they compromised. Evelyn had online school as long as she promised to do extracurricular activities that forced her out of the house. It ended up working out perfectly, though. Evelyn had already planned on joining things and online school allowed for her to get her work done in the time frame she needed.

Evelyn had always been gifted. Enough so that she was currently Sophmore in High School instead of an Eighth Grader. Plus Evie being on the ASD spectrum meant that she felt better at home, more focused.

As Y/n suspected she was doing her work. Y/n grabbed a cup of coffee and then changed from his P.J.’s into his running gear. He hated exercise, but it was the only way to stay healthy. 

In the Elevator, Y/n came face to face with Spencer. He moved out of the way to let Y/n in. The doors closed and Y/n looked over at Spencer. 

He was wearing a light button up, a tie, and a dark blue-black cardigan. Slung across his body was his leather messenger bag while in his hands was a black duffle bag. Was he planning on a trip?

“Where are you going so early in the morning?” Spencer questioned. Y/n felt inclined to ask the same to him, but instead shoved his hands into his pockets and continued to stare at the closing elevator doors.

“For an early run. My doctor said that exercise won’t kill me, but the lack of it will.” Y/n looked through his peripherals with a slight smile. “Where are you going?”

Spencer wettend his lips with his tongue. “Work. First day back since my mandatory sabbatical.”

Y/n watched the numbers change from 4 to 3 with a ‘ding.’ “Oh yeah. I almost forgot that Doctor Spencer Reid is an F.B.I. agent. I always knew you’d be a superhero, one of the good-guys.”

An emotion that Y/n couldn’t place flashed in Spencer’s eyes. Then he was crowding Y/n to the wall, his hand stuck beside Y/n’s hair. Y/n gazes into the abyss of deep brown (no longer hazel) and the abyss stares back. “Are you so sure I’m a good guy?”

He went to answer but felt Spencer’s nose trail a burning line from his throat to the side of his nose. All words vanished from his mouth. 

“I’ve hurt people.” Spencer’s breath was on Y/n’s lips now.

When he spoke again, their lips brushed. “I’ve  _ killed  _ people. And sometimes? I’ve enjoyed it.”

There's an edge in the man’s tone that makes Y/n’s heart flutter against his ribcage. Whether it’s out of fear or something else is unknown. Behind the edge is self-loathing and Y/n feels that his Spencer is there too. Piled behind hurt and things Y/n couldn’t imagine is a scared boy, who needs to be reminded of the good he’s done.

“The people you killed, they were bad people, right?” Spencer huffs in response. “Then you shouldn’t feel sorry. You were protecting people. I know it’s not the answer you want, but it’s the truth.”

Y/n took a deep breath in, inhaling mint, coffee, and Spencer. The familiar scent spurs him onwards to his next sentence. “I may have no idea who you are anymore. But you’re still Spencer, and Spencer is a good guy.  _ You  _ are a good guy, Pretty.”

Then Spencer’s lips are swallowing Y/n’s words. This kiss isn’t like any other before. Spencer kisses like he’s trying to eat someone, but the effect is gross the way one might think. Instead it’s mind blowing and frankly the best kiss Y/n has ever had. Spencer’s forehead rests against his when they pull away.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to call me that again, honeybee.”

The doors on the elevator open and Spencer sends Y/n a smile and a  _ ‘See you on Friday.’  _ Leaving a stunned Y/n to slowly walk to his own car.

He doesn’t know what has happened but obviously something has happened. He wonders what that something might be his entire drive and run.

When he gets home the final scene in his book awaits him. Y/n finds that the kiss is easier than all the others to write and finishes the book off with it’s planned since the beginning sentence.

Tomorrow he would have to deal with revising and etc, but right then his project was finished and infinite possibilities awaited.

And so Icarus flew again. The sun warmed his skin with hues of golden yellow that filters through the clouds and kissed every exposed inch. His wings of hardened wax have not yet dripped like rain onto the faces of watchers. 

And Apollo welcomed his lover with open arms. The ocean stilled with beautiful silence.

On his phone was a single text. Then came in quick succession three more.

_ SPENCER REID: I love you. I’m sorry that I haven’t said it in years. _

_ SPENCER REID: I can’t wait for the chance to learn who you’ve become. I know that I’ll love each and every part if you give me the chance. _

_ SPENCER REID: I don’t care that you have a daughter. You don’t care about my past. And I thank you for that. I only care about the future that I want with you. _

_ SPENCER REID: Emily is asking who I’m talking to. I should go. Message me back if you have a reply. Hopefully we’re still on for Friday. (P.S.: I’ll ask before I kiss you next time.) _

Y/n smiled down at his phone and sent the only reply he could. 

_ Y/n: I still love you too. <3 _


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw: skip from “Y/n’s lips meet his in a searing kiss.” to “There’s my Apollo,”

Friday creeps up on Spencer like a cold-front in July: unexpected and there seemingly without notice. Of course he knew it was Friday. Even though in a way it felt like Wednesday, the pass-day of the week, the one he used to see Y/n on. 

It’s the old routine messing him up. 

Work passes by without incident, Y/n messages him during his lunch break. There’s no new cases, only old paperwork. Endless amounts of paperwork that he flits through quickly. He knows that whoever types him into the computer will end up with more trouble than usual, his handwriting slant from slightly ineligible to practically gibberish as he rushes. The quicker he finishes means all the faster he can see Y/n. 

When he’s finally finished with all twenty-or so reports he leaves. It’s nearing six and Spencer is the first out of the office. Luke slightly teases him about whether his rushing is for a hot date or not but he brushes it off.

Yes, he had a date and yes his date is hot, that doesn’t mean everyone needs to know. 

Soon he’s in his apartment and rushing to get ready. He didn’t want to seem too formal but didn’t want to be too  _ in _ formal. It was a tricky balance that he believed he was able to pull off. In his messages sat Y/n’s address, to which he had no need for, it was already safely tucked away into the recesses of his mind. 

As he knocked on the door around seven he wondered if he should’ve gotten flowers or if Y/n would’ve rather had something else. Spencer’s worries disappear as the door opens to reveal a smiling Y/n, who seems just as nervous as he does. 

They both exchange quick greetings before Spencer is invited in. Y/n tells him that his daughter, Evelyn, is out with a friend and shouldn’t bother them. Spencer is relieved-- he doesn’t believe himself to be quite ready to meet Y/n’s daughter for fear of her not liking him. 

“So, hopefully the movie isn’t boring.” Y/n said while setting up the popcorn bowl and popping the disk into the drive.

Spencer chuckled, “I could give you some insight onto that if you told me what the movie was about. The title doesn’t really give away much.”

Spencer sat down next to Y/n on the couch. The space between their thighs felt like dead-man’s land. Dangerous to cross, territory no one should exist in. The electricity that flew between them felt like touching a live wire to his tongue. The film started, Spencer admired the animation. It was modern but the way it was made didn’t frustrate him like most modern shows. 

He found himself slowly piecing together the timeline to find that there were some odd gaps and misalignments. Spencer hoped that it was a part of the plot and not plot-holes, seeing as Y/n informed him this was one of his favorites. He finds himself enjoying how the modernization of Taki’s life blended with the more traditional life-style and culture of Mitsuha’s. 

Spencer did find himself paying more attention to how Y/n reacted, though. Wonder, enjoyment, and excitement were all present throughout the film. 

They were nearing the end of Taki’s date when the front door abruptly slammed open and had a figure quickly close it and dart towards the back of the apartment. The atmosphere shattered and Y/n sighed and started to stand.

“I think something happened, wait here while I go talk to my daughter real quick. ‘Kay?” Spencer nodded an okay and tried not to listen to what was being said. He still heard, though.

“Evelyn? Are you okay?” Y/n asked. 

There was the sound of someone jumping or falling onto a bed. “Do I look like I’m okay? The popcorn machine exploded, the movie theater caught  _ fire,  _ and my first date was ruined!” A teenage voice snarled. “I’m sorry, Dad. I’m not trying to take it out on you, it’s just…”

“I understand,” he replied. Spencer could tell that Y/n was a good parent, Y/n was whole-heartedly a good person. A couple of words he couldn’t catch were exchanged before Y/n’s feet padded against the floor as he walked back towards Spencer. 

“Hey, Pretty. Would it be okay if Evie finished the movie with us?” Y/n questioned. Without thinking it through, Spencer said a quick ‘Yes.’ 

When Evelyn walked out and he got a good look at her, he gasped. Sure, it was rude, but Evelyn looked nothing like Dove at first glance. Their skin color was drastically different, as was their hair. Their features were almost the same though. As if someone copied and pasted    
Dove but then ran out of ink. He tried to hide his shock and luckily succeeded.

“Dad. Who is this.” Evelyn said. Spencer quickly profiled her, though it was probably a bit rude, and found that there was an embarrassed air to the way she held herself. He couldn’t deduct why, though. The words weren’t said as a question, moreso as a confirmation.

“This,” Y/n said whilst sitting back down next to Spencer, “Is my boyfriend Spencer Reid.”

Blush rose to Spencer’s face at the word ‘boyfriend’ seeing as that was what he’d been wanting to ask Y/n about. 

Evelyn laughed almost robotically and her eyebrows shot to her hairline. “I hate you. I’m going to go to my room and die.”

Spencer was flabbergasted, what was happening?

“Why?” Y/n questioned as Evelyn swiftly walked back the way she came.

“NEWS MAN.” Evelyn screamed back which caused Y/n to burst into uncontrollable laughter. 

“Is anyone going to explain what just happened?” Spencer asked, looking to Y/n for answers. 

Once Y/n was finally able to get more than a word out without choking on a laugh was the truth revealed. “A few months ago Evelyn was watching the news while I was writing. She came in to tell me she had seen the hottest guy she’d ever laid eyes on and then proceeded to tell me about how she had searched him up on google. Anyway, considering what she just said, I’m under the impression that  _ you  _ are the guy Evie was talking about.”

The news dawned on Spencer. Oh.  _ Oh.  _

He didn’t think he was the type of person to qualify as “ _ the hottest guy someone might ever lay eyes on” _ and told Y/n that, who responded with laughter.

“Obviously you must have been looking into the wrong mirrors.” Y/n assured him. Then with a smirk leaned to Spencer’s ear and whispered,  _ “Like father, like daughter.” _

Embarrassed, Spencer watched the rest of the movie with Y/n. During certain parts he found himself tearing up alongside Y/n. By the time the movie finishes, Spencer and Y/n are cuddling. Spencer’s head rests on Y/n’s chest and his arms are wrapped around Y/n’s torso.

It’s not the norm for a ‘first date’ but then again, nothing about their relationship was normal. 

Normalcy isn’t important when the first man (and person) you ever loved shows back up and you realize how stupid you were to let them go. 

The flutter of Y/n's heart is what pulls him into a contempt and lazy haze. An all too welcome fog drifts over his mind and quiets it during the move of Y/n’s every breath. Oh how Spencer has missed this, intimacy, the kind where you’re just  _ existing;  _ when closeness becomes more important than the air that claws at lungs and the feeling of fingers in your hair trumps a drop of water in the desert. 

If he had been given the choice of a thousand long lives or one short one lived only in that moment of serenity with Y/n, he would’ve chosen the later: again and again. 

Of course it can’t last forever. Y/n reminds him that it’s late and Spencer should be getting home. For a split second he wonders what would happen if he'd asked to stay. Spencer decided against it and instead moved to grab his things. He’d had a quick dinner before leaving and would likely just reread something on his shelf before falling asleep. He remembered something on his shelves. 

A worn copy of Pride and Prejudice. In the margins are writings in a handwriting too neat to be his, passages are highlighted, and words are underlined, and on occasion, there are asterisks. It’s Y/n’s copy from 2002. He stole it the morning he left. Stupidly wanting something of Y/n’s to have. 

He’ll return it soon, he thinks as he turns to say goodbye. 

Y/n places a small kiss on his lips at the door. Spencer burns with the want for a longer kiss but takes what he could get and leaves. In his car he realizes something:

He’d forgotten to say  _ ‘I love you.’ _

* * *

The weekend passes quicker than the week. This time Spencer wishes that moments would linger. On Monday he walks into the office looking a bit happier than he should have. He’s had the best weekend of his last seventeen or so years of life. So there’s something to celebrate.

His team picks up on it but says nothing. Spencer is the one to receive a text from Y/n fist.

_ Y/n L/n: hello, hello, you're at work so you won’t see this but I was just quickly trying to tell you: refunded movie tickets are set for this friday.  _

_ Y/n L/n: Basically if youre up for it, my daughter will be gone till sunday and we could do something? _

He doesn’t respond and instead focuses on his work, ignoring the implications of Y/n’s last words.

_ Y/n L/n: oh my god. that sounded sexual. i meant that we could go on a date _

_ Y/n L/n: though if youd want to, i’m fine with the first assumption ;) _

Spencer chokes on his coffee and has to drop his phone into his satchel before he messes up and says something crazy like,  _ “I’m way more experienced since we first had sex and would love to try that again with you.”  _ It’s not untrue, he  _ is  _ more experienced. His mind wanders back to the night of Y/n’s birthday and he curses himself for his ability to remember. 

He texts back, Spencer telling Y/n that he was going to die by Y/n’s doing if he continued. Their conversation changed to how Y/n’s revising was going.

“Who are you texting?” Luke asked while taking a break from paperwork. Spencer turned his phone off, not daring to let anyone see his conversation. Y/n had just been teasing him about how Evelyn had a crush on him. 

“No one.” Spencer replied while trying to make it seem as though he was busy with his work. Luke didn’t buy it and neither did Emily, who had just walked over. 

Emily leaned onto his desk to snatch his phone up. Spencer tried to grab it back but Emily opened it, zeroing in on his texts. 

“Y/n? The guy from the bar?” Luke said while Emily scrolled through the messages. Embarrassed, Spencer ignored what the two were talking about and focused on his work.

“There’s a bit of a history behind these texts.”

Penelope pops up, “Oh yes, there is! I did some diving into Y/n. He has talked on a forum about a ‘lost love’ who he met during college. What college did he go to? Cal tech. Why is this important? He was enrolled from 2000-2004, and had overlap psychology classes with our very own boy wonder.”

Spencer groaned and dropped his head into his hands. They had found out. Spencer could never have anything for himself, could he? 

Luke laughed. “So you’re saying that they dated in college?”

Penelope shook her head. “No! They didn’t  _ just  _ date, Spencer and Y/n were each other's first love. It’s fate that they’ve met again!” She giggled and squealed, “It’s almost like a movie!”

J.J. looked over at Spencer. “You never told me this.”

“Because there wasn’t anything to tell. I broke up with him over a letter and left for the academy.” Spencer snapped, but the anger was mostly directed at himself for how stupid he was. How could someone meant to be a genius be such an idiot?

The conversation stops after that and they all solemnly do their work. Spencer doesn’t text Y/n at work and instead waits till he gets home where he talks about the guilt he feels for snapping at his team; his family. 

Y/n assured him that they were overstepping, and that everyone deserved to have privacy. Spencer was just out of the shower and ready for bed when his phone rang.

“Hello?” He asked, having picked up the phone before seeing who was calling.

“Huh?” Y/n said. “Oh my god, I accidentally called you. Sorry!”

Spencer laughed and pulled his covers around him. “It’s alright. I was actually thinking about calling you.”

Rustiling was heard from the other end. Was Y/n also lying in bed? 

“You were?” 

Spencer hummed a yes, turning his phone to speaker and setting in on the pillow beside him. “I thought, well, I wondered if you would want to fall asleep on call together?”

Y/n laughed through the speaker and Spencer closed his eyes, mentally crafting the picture of Y/n next to him. “That sounds nice.”

Spencer looked to his phone to see that “ _ Y/n L/n is requesting a face call” _ he clicked accept and was met with the sight of Y/n’s face. “There we go, now it’s more like we’re in the same room.” 

He agreed and then set his phone so that it would charge and allow him to see Y/n. “How about I read to you?”

His boyfriend softly smiled and nodded. Spencer picked up the file he’d been reading. It was nothing interesting, just a report about the findings of a recent study. Spencer listened to the sounds of Y/n’s breathing while reading it out loud, stopping when his breathing evened. Y/n was asleep, and five minutes later so was Spencer. Neither the past nor the future mattered then, only that they would be together in their dreams. 

* * *

“Are you sure they’ll like me?”

Spencer rolled his eyes, “Of course they’ll like you. You make me happy and that’s what’s important.”

“But don’t you think we’re moving fast, I mean, we’ve only been back together for like two weeks.” Spencer cupped Y/n’s face, raising his eyes to meet Spencer’s. His pinky caught the increase in thrum of Y/n’s heart,

“I have loved you for seventeen years, that's almost half of my life. I assure you, that nothing would ever make them think badly of the person who has enraptured my heart and soul.”

Y/n laughed and pulled Spencer to him for a quick kiss. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re possessed. In no way would you ever say something so cheesy.”

“Let us hope you never get the ability to mind read. The things I think about you are sure to make you die.” Spencer said. “Now, it’s seven-thirty on the dot. It’s time to go in.”

It was true. Spencer constantly was a weirdo around Y/n, his brain recited every line and words he knew that could describe the feelings he felt and yet none stuck or fit just right. They walked into Rossi’s hand in hand. Beside Spencer, Y/n radiated nervousness. It would soon fade, Spencer hoped. Y/n was important to Spencer and if  _ anyone  _ tonight made any bad remarks about that, he would be pissed, to say the least.

Ten minutes into the night, no one has been rude or snarky. Still, Spencer’s arm is curled around Y/n’s waist protectively. If anyone looked closer they’d see it’s not so much of a “ _ Mine, stay away”  _ and more of a “ _ I won’t let you go, again.”  _ Y/n blends well with Spencer’s family. His statements and additions to the conversation aren't crafted, they’re genuine. Y/n feels like a piece of a puzzle that you realized was missing online when it was found. 

Once the food is done they all sit down at one of Rossi’s tables. Rossi had prepared a three-cheese lasagna. When the wine was being poured and Y/n was asked if he wanted wine he paused. 

“I suppose a couple glasses won’t hurt.”

“You don’t drink wine?” Rossi asked Y/n while taking a sip of his own glass. 

“Err. I read once that any alcohol decreases testosterone by seven percent. So, I tend to try and rarely drink.” Y/n got a few more questions about why testosterone levels mattered but Spencer knew that it would likely be a touch subject so he asked them politely to stop. The relieved smile that Y/n sent him made Spencer’s heart pound for a moment. 

“At the bar you mentioned your daughter.” J.J. said while using a napkin to wipe her lips. “Is she staying with her other parent?” 

Spencer choked on the bite of food in his mouth. Had Jeniffer really just asked about that? Had she no sense of decency. Luckily no one noticed how he almost died and Y/n also didn’t seem to be all that flustered.

“I’m a single dad. Evelyn is out with a friend.”

Emily interjected at that moment. “That’s a pretty name, Evelyn, how was it chosen?”

With a laugh Y/n answered, “My daughter’s birthday is november eleventh. Now, that might be enough reason but it gets better: she was born at exactly eleven-eleven am.”

Spencer laughs at that, a chuckle bubbling from his lips. The team looks at him like he’s insane or crazy. Maybe he has been possessed. He’s a different person with Y/n. It’s a good change, no longer is he reduced to his I.Q. or knowledge, Y/n loves him for who he is. Not how he can be used. 

Soon the conversation devolves. Emily describes the time Spencer practically fell down stairs, J.J. talks about her kids, Rossi about the book he’s writing. That made something click in Y/n’s mind.

With a large gasp he practically shouted, “Oh my god! You’re David Rossi! I regularly use your books for information gathering.”

“You’re an author?”

Y/n nodded. “I actually just sent my newest draft off to my editors this morning.”

“Well let’s hope that nothing bad happens!” 

After that the conversation was small as everyone finished their meal. Spencer and Y/n lingered for fifteen minutes after eating before taking their departure. (Un)surprisingly both Y/n and Spencer get hugs on the way out. Penelope reminds Y/n that she’ll be expecting many texts. Then they’re out the door and driving to their apartment complex. It felt odd to say ‘their’ seeing as they didn’t live in the same apartment, only the same complex.

The two decided to stay together in Spencer’s apartment. The door shuts and Y/n wraps his arms around Spencer’s neck while burying his face into Spencer’s chest.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer ran his fingers under the hem of the other’s shirt to press his palms against his back. Y/n glanced up at him with a sigh.

“You’re too good for me. Your family is perfect,  _ you  _ are perfect, and I’m only me.”

His fingertips glide across Y/n’s spine. Spencer presses a featherlight kiss against his forehead. “We are far from perfect, but despite that, I don’t want perfection. I want you.”

“Me?” Y/n’s voice was softer than the kisses that Spencer couldn’t help but pepper along his cheeks, nose, and lips. 

“Yes, silly,  _ you _ . It’s not for any reason or gain or anything. I want you because I love you.” Spencer’s hands don’t know where to go so they continue tracing constellations. 

Y/n’s lips meet his in a searing kiss. Slipping from his boyfriend's shirt, Spencer’s hands find their way to interlock in Y/n’s hair. Pulling away Y/n whispers words that breathe life into Spencer: “I love you too.”

Nothing could stop the desire in Spencer’s heart to hold Y/n close to him and never let go, “Let me show you how much I want and miss you.”

Spencer’s need is reciprocated with a single word from Y/n’s lips, a gasping, “ _ Please.” _

His hands grip under Y/n’s thighs and lift him up as their mouths slot together. Y/n’s legs wrap around him and Spencer presses him against the door. Their hits rut together to try and create any amount of friction to relieve them. It’s not enough. Spencer mouths deep kisses over the slope of Y/n’s neck. Hands are pushing at clothes and Spencer’s jacket falls onto the floor, Y/n’s following soon after. His lips pull away into a soundless moan when Y/n grinds against him. 

“Bedroom,” he croaks out, setting Y/n on his feet. They haven't parted for long, though. Once through the threshold Spencer is pulled back to Y/n. His fingers skillfully unbuttons the shirt Y/n has on before working on his own. 

They’re on the bed before Spencer can fully pull his own off. Y/n’s above him, straddling his waist. Spencer takes this moment to admire Y/n. Scars--from top surgery, he presumes-- lie on his chest, a few tattoos are inked into his arms and side. With a grin Spencer recognizes them: Constellations, mapping out the sky.

“You have a freckle right here,” he says absentmindedly while his fingers stroke over the beauty mark. Y/n laughs and kisses him again. 

“Yes I do. Cmon, shirt off, for me, Pretty.” Spencer has never gotten undressed quicker before. A quick kiss is pressed to his lips before Y/n starts to leave a trail of hickeys down his chest, abdomen, and mouthing against the V-line of his hips. When he reaches to unbutton Spencer’s pants, Spencer flips the two of them.

“I don’t think so,” he breaths into Y/n’s ear. “I don’t have the best recovery time.”

“But-” Y/n whined. Spencer clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes before silencing Y/n’s protests with a kiss. 

“Next time, I promise.” Spencer rubbed his nose against Y/n’s before recreating the trail of kisses on himself, onto Y/n. This time, however, Spencer pulled down Y/n’s pants. 

“ _ Ego vos desiderabat: quam vita _ ,” ( _ I missed you more than life) _ he whispered into the plush of Y/n’s thigh, his breath washing over the skin. 

“ _Ego paenitet relinquens in sempiternum_ _(I will forever regret leaving you)_.” Spencer kissed into the other thigh, nipping at the flesh while searching for any way to convey how much he loved Y/n. 

Hands dug into his hair to try and pull him to the spot Y/n wanted most. Spencer chuckled, looking up into Y/n’s eyes, “ _ Id est, tu omnia ad me _ . _ (In other words, you are everything to me.)”  _

He let Y/n’s hands take control to guide him. Y/n’s hips rose from the bed to grind against his mouth. Spencer didn’t let a single drop go to waste as he licked and sucked anywhere he could. His own hips ground against the bed to relieve some of the overwhelming pressure in his boxers. Y/n came with a moan that could only be described as almost inhuman. Committed to memory was the way Y/n’s eyes closed and mouth opened in pleasure as Spencer moved to kiss Y/n.

Neither cared that Spencer’s lips were drenched. Spencer worked on pulling off his jeans as Y/n searched his drawers for a condom. “ _ Satin intellegis? (Do you understand?)” _

Y/n nods and pulls up the square package. “ _ Ita. (Yes.)” _

The condom is placed in Spencer’s hands. He does not bother showing off by recklessly tearing with his teeth and instead carefully opens along the impressed edge. He slides down his boxers and hisses at the cold air. Quickly he rolls on the condom before looking up at Y/n. “Are you prepped enough, or should I do some more?”

His boyfriend rolls his eyes, “Shut up and get in me, I’ve waited far too long.”

While Spencer stalls, Y/n flips the two. His hand moves to guide Spencer to him with a smirk and then slowly inches down. A curse falls from Spencer's lips and his hands go to grab onto Y/n’s hips.

Y/n’s fingers splay out on Spencer’s chest as he slowly continues to slide down Spencer’s shaft. A cross between a whine and a growl breaks between Spencer's clenched teeth as he struggles to not force Y/n’s hips down. When Y/n stops for a minute to adjust Spencer almost dies with how tight he squeezes around him. 

“You’re going to kill me,” he breathes in a weak voice as Y/n slowly moves up only to slam back down with a guttural moan. Nails leave crescent shaped indents on Spencer’s shoulders. The way his boyfriend moves makes it feel as though he’s far away and moves farther every time Spencer tries to buck his hips. 

Then he can’t take it anymore and slams Y/n down before flipping their positions. “Don’t  _ toy  _ with me.” Y/n whimpers and Spencer slowly picks up his thrusting. 

Fingers dig into Spencer’s back and their lips slate together messily, more worried about making the other feel good than anything else. Y/n’s hips rise to meet Spencer’s. He curses to himself, Spencer really is an idiot. Sex wasn’t important, but Y/n was. He had lost something more than a boyfriend the day he wrote the letter. Spencer had lost the person meant for him, that he knew. 

“Spencer, what's wrong, why are you crying?” Y/n stroked the pad of his thumb under Spencer's eyes to wipe away the droplets that had formed there.

“I just-- I love you,” he repeated the phrase as he pressed kisses onto Y/n’s skin. Spencer could tell that Y/n was about to cum and so was he, so he moved one of his hands to help Y/n chase his orgasm. The heat that had started to pool in his tummy snapped as Y/n clenched around him. 

Spencer pulled out of Y/n with a soft kiss to the tip of his nose, tying the condom and tossing it into the trash. 

“Do you wanna cuddle or take a shower?” Y/n huffed out a breath. Spencer, immediately recognizing his own words, laughed. 

“Both, cuddle first,” he recited back. Their legs tangled together as they pulled each other as close as they could. Skin to skin, their hearts beating together. Y/n brushed Spencer’s hair off of his forehead. 

“There’s my Apollo,” Y/n featherlightly whispered. 

“What?” Spencer asked while memorising the blissed out look on Y/n’s face. He was better with words but as long as he tried hard enough there were some things he’d purposefully never forget. 

“Apollo, the God of the Sun.” Their foreheads pressed together gently. Noses brushing and lips inches from touching. “I used to think that I was Icarus and you were my Apollo. Every time I saw you, you were as bright as sunshine. I was afraid you were going to melt me.”

Breaths mingled as they lived in the moment, Spencer sighed, “I would never let you fall, you are my amorevolous, after all.”

Y/n hummed as Spencer’s fingers wandered over his bare skin. “As in?”

“As in the feeling of love that surpasses time; loving; holding; charitable; beautiful. Everything that you are to me, encompassed in a single word.” 

His boyfriend laughed the kind of laugh one only makes when in true and deep awe, “You’re a sap.”

Spencer shakes his head as if to say,  _ ‘I’ll show you sappy.’  _ “How are you this evening, my dear?” 

He huffed and shook his head, “Very well... although I wish you would not call me ‘my dear.’”

Y/n rubbed their noses together, Spencer chuckled, “Why?”

“Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.”

Spencer knew this scene completely, he found himself years ago rewatching the movie, knowing that Y/n would likely watch it. “What endearments am I allowed?”

“Well let me think…’Y/n’ for every day, ‘Honeybee’ for Sundays, and…’God Divine’... but only on  _ very  _ special occasions.”

“And... What should I call you when I am cross?” he pauses, not knowing how to edit the next line. He flushes at the only thing his mind can come up with, “Mr. Reid...?”

Y/n giggles, “No! No. You may only call me ‘Mr. Reid’... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.”

Spencer’s fingers find their way to stroke against Y/n’s cheeks. “Then how are you this evening... Mr. Reid?”

His lips kissed anywhere they could, whispering softly,  _ “Mr. Reid.” _

It was almost poetic, the way their lips met in a kiss that sealed the promise of  _ ‘forever.’ _

They were interrupted by Spencer’s work phone. He sighed, picking it up. There was a case because of course there was. He smiled sheepishly at Y/n. 

“I should get ready, there's a spare key on the hook. Feel free to use it, I love you.” With a kiss to take on the go, Spencer quickly cleaned up to leave. Despite the growing distance between them as he sat in the empty subway, his heart did not stop or diminish the love beating there.

Instead, it grew enough to fill the space of seventeen years. 

_ THE END _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!!! Hopefully the epilogue will be posted soon (Working on it as we speak) but ty guys for being here for this journey! I started working on amorevolous (previously titled 'redamancy to amorevolous') on January 1st, 2021, after a dream I had of Spencer as the god Apollo. 
> 
> Only eighteen days!! I know, it's crazy. I love you guys who have been reading, stay tuned! I have another fic planned.
> 
> You author,  
> Kiram <3.


	5. V: EPILOGUE

Y/n had no idea what to do. No parenting handbooks prepared for how to console your child after their first break up. Sure, Evie had been hurt before, but this was different. It was the kind of pain no tylenol or hugs from a dad could help. He tried, though. 

He pulled Evelyn into a hug while looking over at his boyfriend with a face that screamed  _ ‘Help me’ _ Spencer just rolled his eyes and nodded for Y/n to nudge Evelyn over to him. He did so by moving to grab the pints of icecream they always had in case of emergencies, mint chocolate chip for Spencer, strawberry for Y/n, and rocky road for Evie.

Evelyn looked over to Spencer while sniffling. She tried to wipe away the tears but they continued to stream down her face. She threw her arms around him and continued to cry, blubbering out “I really liked her. I  _ kissed  _ her, and she said that we were never together like that. What did I do wrong?”

“You did  _ nothing  _ wrong,” Spencer said, “Theres a bunch of statistics I could tell you about gay people who in their first relationship act as though it was nothing but I’ll spare you that. Instead I’ll tell you that it was nothing you did, it was all her, I promise.”

“You promise, dad?” Y/n watched as Spencer’s expression blanched. He’d known about Evie wanting to call Spencer dad for a while now, he was even the one to tell her that Spencer wouldn’t mind. Y/n and Spencer had been together for two years (not counting their past relationship) and the bond between Evie and Spencer had grown. 

Evelyn’s embarrassment over being attracted to him was overturned for happiness that he had another parental figure. Y/n had known it was only time until the word was spoken.

Spencer cleared his throat, Y/n could tell he felt like crying, “I promise.” 

Y/n walked back in and Spencer looked at him with such a fond and genuine expression that, for a moment, Y/n felt like he was twenty and being consoled about his notes again. He sat down beside Spencer before using his phone to dim the lights and hand out ice cream and spoons. 

“Sappy romance movies time?” Spencer pulled Y/n’s hand into his lap. With a laugh, Y/n said yes. This ice cream and movie experience was saved for anything bad, whether it was a bad case, bad test, or frustration over a plot that wouldn’t work right. A little pick-me up gave the three of them the chance to relax and calm down, together, as a family.

Their little family of three, that on occasion became a family of eleven. They weren't perfect but they had each other. And that made them better by default. 

* * *

Spencer had a sabbatical this month and decided to use it as a way to have a vacation. Y/n was delighted, they had both decided to go to Pasadena to see Ms. Yellow and then Las Vegas to see Spencer’s mom. If she was having a good day of course, if not they would leave her be. 

They were in Pasadena now. Evelyn was going to stay with her grandmother for five of the nine week summer break, so it all worked out. While she settled in, Y/n and Spencer decided to wander. They found their way to a familiar street and then were in front of the skating rink they went to way back when. 

“I didn’t think this place was still open!” Y/n said in awe. He pulled on Spencer’s hand to guide him into the building. He sighed at the nostalgia that pooled into him. Though he frowned at the empty rink. Had rollerskating gone out of style? 

They approached the front desk and got skates in their size. This time Spencer knew how to skate and did not fall when putting them on or when they made their way to the rink. 

The song was clearly a love song, neither of the men shied away from skating together. 

“I like this,” Spencer remarks. “You and me together.” 

Y/n laughed and shook his head, “You’re a dork.”

Spencer pressed a small kiss to Y/n’s lips. “I’m your dork,” then he changed the subject. “My Mom shouldn’t be surprised about who you are, hopefully. I’ve talked about you in my letters and when you forced me to go visit a few months ago.”

Y/n smiled at that, doing a quick circle around Spencer. “I hope she thinks good of me.”

Spencer’s hands grab Y/ns to stop their gliding. Confusion paints its stokes over his face. Spencer sheepishly smiles, “I hope so too.”

Then there's a box in Spencer's hand. It rests on his palm, the red velvet exterior giving away to what would sure rest inside: a ring. Y/n gasps, emotions that he didn’t know existed rush through him like a gurgling river. Spencer gnaws on his bottom lip, “Will you, Y/n Y/n, do me the honor of marrying me?”

He lurches forward and almost slips at the speed he skates at. His arms wrap around Spencer and Spencer's back hits the wall. 

“In what world would I say no to you?” Y/n says while burying his head into the crook of Spencer’s neck. A chuckle reverberated into Y/n.

“Well I hope that’s a yes.” Y/n rolls his eyes, sighing.

“Now my surprise is ruined, nothing can top a proposal.” Y/n groaned and picked up the box still in Spencer’s hands. 

Spencer frowned, “You had a surprise for me?”

He hummed a yes, skating away from Spencer backwards. If this went badly he’d need the space. His arms itched to cross over his body but he kept them close to his side. “I never thought it was possible. I don’t get periods, we use protection…”

He trailed off looking down at his skates solemnly, “I’m pregnant.”

The silence was deafening. Y/n felt like he floated alone on an island with how little response there was. Until he  _ wasn’t  _ alone. Spencer was right there with him, placing a big kiss on his forehead. “I think this is the best day of my life.”

The tears that Y/n felt were no longer of anticipation but now of happiness as Spencer brought his hands to tentatively touch Y/n’s stomach. “Really?”

Spencer nodded, “A fiance and a son.”

Y/n laughed, pulling them to the lobby. “A son?”

“Mhm, how do you feel about Jason for a name?” Spencer smiled sweetly.

“It’s perfect.”

Y/n groaned, “How are we gonna tell Evie?”

Spencer winced, hissing in a breath, “We’ll figure it out. We always do. Now, Mr. Reid, I believe we have dinner to get to.”

Y/n giggled and took the arm that Spencer extended out. “Why yes, Dr. Reid, we do!”

They walked together, side by side, as they would in spirit; forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short n sweet guys, just how they deserve, I needed maximum fluff before I gave up this story to the wonderful world of happy endings
> 
> (this will be going through edits and etc soon, just a heads up, my lovelies)


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